When you first enter into a relationship in those wonderful young adult years, you enter relatively untainted. You don’t really take to many childhood romance experiences with you into that young twenty-something love life, you don’t really accrue any real bad relationship karma… the romance is fresh and young. This isn’t to say that by the time you’re in your twenties you don’t have experiences that have shaped and molded you but in the scope of another fifty years to go, experiences to that twenty-something place aren’t exactly the final experiences you’ll have that will shape you for those next twenty years.
By the time you’re forty something you weren’t the person you were at twenty and there’s a good chance when you hit sixty you won’t be that person who you were at forty, but by the time you’re in your forties you’ll have been shaped and molded by the forty years of life you’ve had. You’ll have baggage, wisdom, experience, lessons, made mistakes and learned from them (or paid for them), you’ll have lived a reasonable amount of life, and you will bring that life with you into your new forty-something relationship.
I was given the opportunity to learn something last night… in a turn of events that I felt terrible for, I accused Mony of behaving like other people… people I loathe, dislike and despise. Needless to say, that outcome of that accusation wasn’t met with anything constructive, in fact it was pretty damn destructive at that moment, I didn’t make my point by being insulting all I did was hurt her feelings very very deeply. The point was missed because of my poor choice… did I learn anything then… honestly NO.
It wasn’t until after the battle of the roses, sleep and the morning sun shining down on my face that I would come to an understanding about behavior, baggage and the ghosts of the past… or as I call them the Demons.
This morning I walked out of the house, hellbent on finding the wildflowers I often picked for Mony, but being so late in the season there wasn’t really anything to pick, however that ritualistic walk gave me time to think, and I thought about how terrible my behavior was, how the things I said and did might have reminded Mony about her ex-husband’s horrible behaviors and I realized that despite my behavior possible being reminiscent of him, it was MY behavior. Any ghosts she had, any demons, were just the life she led and it was my bad behavior that really was hurtful.
I thought along those lines because I felt terrible about it all… then I realized that the same holds true for her. It doesn’t matter what my ex did, that shit is part of my life, if Mony acted in a manner that was akin to the ex’s behavior then she isn’t the ex, she is Mony doing hurtful behavior. Now here is the part where many of the readers say “Yeah, you’re justified to be pissed” or some might think that suddenly my bad feelings should stop because she is doing the same bad behaviors… nope, my bad feelings don’t stop.
In fact, I feel even worse, despite this understanding that my nor her demons matter, despite our behaviors being our own, no.. I feel bad because now I realize that I’ve made the terrible mistake (at the same time understanding the responsibility) of putting her in the same box as someone else… not giving her a chance to have her own, even if similar, behaviors and presuming now that because I’ve boxed her in to column A, that there is no solution, correction, fix or resolution possible.
That isn’t true at all… there are solutions.
Mony wrote me an email about what upsets her… the point of the email was to shed all the surface frustrations and get to the root problem that is the real reason for the frustrations. It made me think about all those frustrations… she wrote me a letter to help resolve the problem, an attempt at finding a solution. This is what is supposed to happen in a relationship, find a solution, someone has to take the first step and put that olive branch out and try to find resolve.
I think the key to a good relationship is someone has to take the initial step at resolution, the other person has to take the step to listen.
Mony offered an option towards resolution, I heard her… now we need to act in a way that sees that resolution through…. that is how you make a relationship last, you resolve it… you find your own stain remover, whatever works for you and you get that stain out.
Thanks for reading