Well today is the day… the day I go from a guy living alone to a couple.
It doesn’t feel like it did when I first moved in with the kid’s mother… that wasn’t really exciting, it was just something I was doing…
It doesn’t feel like it did when I was supposed to get married, in fact I was more excited about the appointment I had at the barber shop for my first straight edge shave than I was to get married.
It doesn’t feel apprehensive like when I really wanted to bail from the wedding but my stupid best man gave me the whole do the right thing, can’t fail as a man speech.
It is different.
It is exciting
It is fresh
What it feels like in these weeks of waiting… months, is like life has been on hold… someone hit the pause button and I haven’t been able to get started again. It’s felt like everything that has been going on these last couple of months has all just been preparation for tonight… for the future. The excitement is building, the anticipation intensifying, the desire for today to arrive almost unbearable.
When I got married, it wasn’t long after I realized I made a mistake… I knew going it I was making a mistake, it’s that gut feeling that you sometimes follow and sometimes don’t… like when you know it’s time for a job change and you’re doing everything you can to escape the frustration of the job that is making your life miserable. It’s like that twinge in the gut that tells you to stay in, cancel your night out, and you do and you suddenly feel safe.
The gut feeling here for the last couple of months has been that gut feeling that tells me finally everything is going to be alright, that life actually is going to start now.
It’s funny, I’ve gone through life and never have felt this feeling of end until I found Mony again… when I found her in 2011 that emptiness I felt for 20 years, the one I could never fill, finally came to an end… then the last couple of years I’ve been feeling this feeling like it’s been all transitions, mentally and emotionally growing, learning to be a better person, finding myself, find out who she is… it’s that something that you’re supposed to do in a relationship. I never did that with anyone before… I didn’t even know who the kid’s mother was all those years, I don’t know who my own mother is in reality, but with Mony… I have tried so hard to learn and grow and be a better person.
Anyway, tangent aside, that feeling of life begins now is so real, I can’t explain it… I can, at best, say it’s similar to leaving home for the first time and entering into the world on your own… the ability to paint your own picture of the future.
Today marks the day life begins now.
In a relationship we need to be open to one another and grow, share these feelings we have and me being a really shitty sharerer, I’m no expert at it, but we need to let the other half of our partnership know just how important they are to us and just how much they impact our lives, that’s something that seems to get lost on us when we are in a relationship. My relationship is not comprised of loving the one I’m with because I can’t be with the one I love… this woman was my first love and having found her again is a gift…
If you don’t know what that’s like, and I may offend some here, I don’t believe in a GOD the way most of society does, I believe in a higher power but not one of Christian or Muslim or Jewish design. Like so many people who find religion and find something, God, to have faith in and hold on to… to give them that boost they need… Finding Mony for me is that very same thing…
People who find something to believe in, especially when they feel like life has been the worst thing in the world to them… say the something is religion… they find this feeling of peace and solace, the find that they can finally begin to live, life starts there for them… well, sorry to offend, but finding Mony to me is like finding God to you.
Life starts now.
Thanks for reading