I am a member of a parenting group, a father’s parenting group to be more specific. Which means other than friendship, advice and support, there are a lot of wise ass remarks thrown around. >>> PLUG: If you want to know more about the group, search “FATHER TIME, KEANSBURG NJ” <<< END PLUG.
Annnnyway, the wise ass remarks; of course these guys know about my reconnection with Mony and the history and how I’m still walking on air. One of the clowns in the group let me know that the honeymoon would be over once Mony moved in, in fact after the applause at this evening’s meeting when I announced 6 days before she arrives permanently, I was told that like most couples that move in together… shit changes and the honeymoon ends. I laughed, looked him in the eye and said “Well, what did you change that ended the honeymoon for you?” He boldly stated ‘nothing’ and I said… when you moved in together did you stop working out… he said eventually. See, I said.
Then he said, well she let herself go too.
I said, did you ever think that maybe just maybe she let go because you did. In his most machismo manner he said “well I work to take care of the house the least she could do is keep herself up.”… I said, yeah, I work too but that doesn’t mean I get to put on 40 pounds.
Then I asked him when’s the last time he bought her flowers, he said last anniversary, I said, when you weren’t living together how often did you buy her flowers to tell her you loved her, he said, all the time, I said… CHANGE. He said, it’s not so easy when you have kids and a mortgage and bills to spend money on flowers every week… I said well, when it’s time for flowers for Mony, I go out and pick wild flowers and arrange them, and my next plan is to plant a rose bush that I can pick a rose from when they’re in bloom.
He said, yeah right. I said… you know I’m not always going to remember to pick a flower, I’m not always going to want to take time away from Mony to work out, I’m not always going to write her poems, letters or even cook for her… but I’m always going to treat her as my partner, my equal, my best friend, my student, my teacher, my confidant… and I’m always going to try to make sure that all the work we did over the last two years to learn to communicate is solid and still holds strong. And… when she reminds me that I fell off a little, I might argue but you bet your ass if she says it, it’s probably because it’s true… the only reason she would say it is if she noticed the change.
He nodded… yeah I guess, he said. Then in his wise ass way, he said “It’s Over Johnny” and I looked at him and said… Nothing is over until we decide it is.
The honeymoon might have a cloudy day every now and then, but we paint the picture of our future, we decide if the world is more important, if work is more important, if cleaning, hobbies, bad days, money, kids, entertainment, friends, happenstance, circumstance, somethingstance is more important than making our relationship work and grow. We decide that.
I realize that this public journal is far more than just advice for everyone, it is advice for me… when I forget, when I need to remember… Mony will read to me, I will read it… someone out there I know will read it and remind me of my own words. Maybe the first step in strengthening your relationship is to start keeping a journal of ideas, beliefs, things you want in the relationship… not post it notes, but a journal… a blog… a diary… whatever… maybe all we need is reminders and eventually one will spur themselves into action.
First order of business with your partner… turn off the television, find a sitter, get a bottle of Sailor Jerry Rum and some Snapple Diet Iced Tea… big bottles, biggest you can find… then take a walk to whereever with those beverages… go get shit faced drunk with the one you love and laugh yourself stupid, just like you did before you played house. Show your partner you trust them by telling him/her a story of your own stupidity in your youth.. something you could look back on and laugh about, trade stories… don’t blame, don’t bitch, don’t complain, just talk until you’re at that drunk point where you want to screw… then … screw.
Seriously… screw drunk… when’s the last time you threw caution to the wind with your lover… before you moved in and became responsible adults? To hell with that social expectation and go have a good time… moving in together doesn’t mean you have to live by some sudo-religious social standard… you don’t have to be a soccer mom because all the kids are doing it these days…. don’t try to fit in, just be yourself and cut loose with your lover… it may be the start of finding that honeymoon that really never went away, it just got pushed back on the calendar of life.
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