Every relationship usually starts out with visual attraction, no one reads a profile or looks across a room and says, he’s got a PHD in Theology I like him and I don’t care if he looks like an ogre from Lord of the Rings. No… you might look at a profile and like what you read, but you certainly look at that picture and determine if the person is visually appealing to you, or if you look around a room you find what’s attractive to you, however you connect you start with visual appeal and build from there, and not everyone finds the same things visually appealing and some people put more value in appearances than others, but either way it’s not a bad thing… it’s just the start of it all.
Then you have to get to know the person and you go through all the good stuff and the funny stuff, the intriguing stuff and the inspiring stuff and so on and so on…
Then maybe the crap stuff of real life starts to set in…and you might find some obstacles and differences and then there might be a few negative thoughts and feelings.
Well, a relationship is like a city, it has it’s foundations where everything starts and it has it’s good moments and bad moments, it has it’s twists and turns, and it’s dead ends, it’s secret passageways and it’s grand concert halls… relationships have to be built like cities and if you don’t start with a solid foundation you will not be able to support the structure.
There is no real magic formula to building a solid foundation: Communication, Honesty, Understanding and Problem Solving are all the basics to build a strong foundation to a relationship. If you lie about things from the start your relationship is built on a foundation of lies, and if you think in the future that those lies won’t matter, they might. You don’t know if that little white lie you told to avoid hurting her feelings is actually going to creep up and bite you in the ass a year later… there is going to be a whole year between your white lie and it finally catching up to you that will add layer upon layer of good and bad.
If you are honest out of the gate, tell the ugly truth about your life as much as the fairy tales, trust your new partner that they will understand things and be willing to help, listen or just support you, then you’ve got a good start, because it is going to be all that foundation that will support the rest of the relationship.
Mony and I were honest from the start, I told her my financial woes, she told me hers, I told her my parenting style, she told me hers, we told eachother what we wanted from a relationship and disclosed what we despised from our previous relationships and we found common ground to build on in all manner of interest. Just because she was my High School sweetheart didn’t mean that we were going to be perfect out of the gate. In fact our bad patches often point back to the foundation for the solutions… for example, “DO NOT REACT” was a reminder I had posted in front of me for a while, I shouldn’t react to things with Mony just because they evoked a negative emotional response from reminders of the past, and while I might have lost that for a short period…lost the “Do Not React” reminder, I recently had a discussion with Mony about reactions… and I remember how 2 years ago we discussed the same thing. My confusing point here is we were honest 2 years ago about things like reactions, and it is something we can discuss and look at today to avoid conflict or resolve it.
Anyway, point really is, build a good foundation to your relationship right away… looks are only the start and stats in a profile is only the basic information, you need honesty, integrity, communication and trust from that first date onward, because when life starts chiseling away at the fairy tale you have to be able to deal with it as partners who trust one another and can overcome life’s bad moments.
Random Ramblings this morning but thanks for reading.