The other day I spoke with my Aunt who was madly in love with her husband of over 20 years. He was her high school sweetheart and I can’t remember a time when they weren’t in love, I mean really in love. When I was a kid my Aunt was like my big sister, she took me with her out on a dates with boy friends or friends, she let me sleep in her room when I went to visit grandma, she showed me ‘cool’ movies and ‘rockin’ music, she introduced me comic books… and I met her true love Jerry. I was pissed when I heard my Aunt who was more like my big sister, was going to go off and marry this guy… in my little mind I couldn’t say the word fuck but I know I probably said “What the Flarga hrmph ah frppp?” Needless to say he won me over and became someone I admired and respected.. in fact he was the only male in my life I admired and respected.
So I was around for a lifetime of their marriage and all my days when I visited her and Jerry, I could always see how much they loved eachother, they were so in love, I mean even after 20 years there was that twinkle for one another in their eye… then he died suddenly… an accident claimed his life and in an instant he was gone. His death sent a wave through us all and destroyed her, destroyed everything she was and wanted to live for. She admitted had she not had a son she would have pulled the trigger and ended her own life just to get out of here because there was no living without him.
When I told her I found Mony, and we talked for hours, she heard it in my voice, she knew, she told me that she never heard me like this, never saw me like this, she could see the twinkle in my eye, see how much I really loved this woman, she heard every word I said and could hear that despite having been apart for 20 years from Mony, I was still madly in love… she told me under no uncertain terms. She was right, of course I couldn’t hide it from one of the few people that knew me better than I knew me.
Now a few years have passed since my uncle’s passing and it’s been hard for my aunt… she puts on a fake smile and a fake happy… come on, who knows her better than me, we grew up like brother and sister. But despite her longing to leave this planet, she carries on… and we talk, and I know what she feels because I didn’t have Mony for a lifetime and I know what it’s like to want that love in your arms. The difference is I got a second chance, my aunt… no second chances.
Now it’s been almost 2 years Mony and I are together and the world has crept in to our lives. We are bringing baggage we shouldn’t with us, we are creating drama of our own, we are being as my aunt put it “Fucking Stupid”. I told my Aunt about our rough patch and about our fights and about some of the dumb things Mony and I are doing… her reply was “What the fuck is your problem?” I didn’t need a long dissertation, in fact my aunt is one of the few people on the planet we can say a sentence or two and know exactly what we mean.. no long winded education needed. She follow up with that comment by saying “you have eachother, you have that special love, stop being stupid.”
She didn’t need to say anymore… I’ve been trying to not be stupid and open my eyes to Mony, its hard to change old habits that are born on you by years of other people’s baggage, and it may not be worth changing if you’re single or you’re just not into that person you’re with, but for the one who you love with every bit of your existence… yeah, you have to try and try and try and fucking try.. as my aunt put it. I tried, and I am trying, and I have been trying hard to hear and listen, and take into account every little thing to avoid a fight, even when I slip up.
The point is maybe that’s really what we all need to see and hear… a person who lost their true love and can’t move on, forcing themselves to wake up every morning just to say good bye to their only son. Maybe that’s all we should remember, that when you’re dead, you’re gone… no amount of wishing and wanting and sorrow is going to change that. My aunt could sit there and coulda woulda shoulda until she is blue in the face… it means nothing now and one can only wish that he hears her I’ Love you’s on the other side.
My aunt is right, when the time comes for me or Mony to pass on, we’re going to look at fights and hurts and arguments and say, why did we waste our time.
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