Do you speak the language of your partner?
How do you feel when you reach from the heart only to hear that it’s not as passionate as it was before? How does your partner show gratitude for your love? Your efforts, Your PASSION!… it’s no wonder people slowly stop doing those little things, what are blessed gifts and moments from the heart turn out to be expectations that lose the potential for gratitude. Yes, I look down my nose at people like that, I really do.
I pulled away from a friend of five years because he couldn’t appreciate the things he received in life, instead he boasted and bragged and became arrogant… and I know arrogance, I’m a pro at it. When he got to be to much and not appreciate the help his friends gave him, when his television meant more than his relationship, I just couldn’t be around that… no body knows better than me how to appreciate. What makes me an expert you ask? Glad you did. (It took a hurricane for my friend to be reminded to appreciate every little thing, including his friends).
See, I left home at 16, nothing but a satchel and a car, no home, shit job, and did questionable things to survive. When you sleep in your car for a month at that age and have to shower any chance you get, something in you teaches you how to appreciate everything no matter how bad or good you got it. It’s funny, because I remember climbing to a wonderful successful career and at some point I did forget where I came from and humility was not even in my vocabulary…. and then…. when it all came crashing down and I lost everything, my six figure income, my real estate and my savings, left with a mountain of debt and no way to know if I was going to eat and how the hell I was going to feed my kids… I soon remembered to appreciate every little thing I got, I didn’t need a book called the secret to teach me to appreciate.
I think two things happen in a relationship that stop the little things from happening… 1) I think the receiver forgets to appreciate how special those little things are and begins to expect them… and if they don’t meet expectations then they aren’t appreciated anymore, and 2) the receiver thinks they are showing gratitude and appreciation, but they aren’t doing it in a way the giver understands or sees, because they aren’t speaking their language.
What happens is we become so used to the acts of love that they just become part of the routine, they are no longer special. I do my damnedest to write Mony an email a day, not because I have to, but because I want to… I want her to know every day that I love her. And yes I miss days, not because I want to skip… sometimes it’s simply because I get caught up in her or we’re together…. and I forget because I’m engrossed in her…. not because I lack the desire. But what if she started critiquing the emails instead of appreciating them? What if she didn’t let me know she loved reading them? What if she didn’t speak my language and let me know she did appreciate them? What if I had to remind her and ask her all the time if she liked them? What would happen is I would eventually see no reason to pour my feelings out like that anymore and that little special thing would fade.
Have you ever heard the saying “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” Sadly it is one of those cliche’s that we humans usually have to suffer to remember that we appreciate what we have. Maybe we all have to live that loss thing once in order to realize that we need to appreciate everything… if you are married or in a relationship, don’t complain to your friends that your partner doesn’t do this or that anymore… how about you ask yourself if you ever really showed them (in a way they understood without you having to be asked) that you appreciated and were grateful for their little efforts at love…. then ask your partner if they ever thought you didn’t show them appreciation for their little things because you miss them.
Yes, if you have come to expect your partner to bring you coffee in bed every morning, then you’ve truly turned a loving gesture into an expected task and your appreciation doesn’t shine through…. what if I stopped after a year and a half, what if I stopped pouring my genuine heartfelt feelings and thoughts out to Mony every morning?… You know how she would feel…. how about you, how would you feel? If we all just appreciated everything a little instead of having a critique, opinion or expectations about it then maybe those little things wouldn’t seem so little and the messages wouldn’t be lost.
Yes, I learned to appreciate again along time ago, and I still do, and I try to teach Mony this every chance I get, I try and remind her I appreciate it, and that we can appreciate everything even in our darkest moments… even in my darkest days as a manipulative, self centered, arrogant, womanizing, prick, I still found things to appreciate in my life…. after all I’d already fallen from grace. Even if you fall you get back up and appreciate the fact that you’ve gotten back up.
What would happen if we just shut up and said thanks.
Thanks for reading