Relationships can be tough enough with out additional issues, obstacles and drama; face it, when you live only minutes from your lover or are living with them there are those moments when you just wish ‘shit didn’t happen’, but add to things like children from previous marriages, ex’s, long distance, and even social and cultural differences and you do have your work cut out for you. Now, when I say cultural I don’t just mean religion or ethnicity, I’m talking about environment… just to clear that up. Environment? Since you asked, environment meaning where you live and quite possible where you were raised, for example; The demeanor and behavior of people who were born and raised in the Tri-State area here in the Eastern U.S. go about things, see things, believe things and do things quite differently from those born and raised in the ranch lands of Montana. Even those differences for some people could take the polish off their lover… which it shouldn’t but for some it does, behavior that is deemed ‘the norm’ in NYC may seem callous and cold for someone from rural America (or another country for that matter), the fact is that this difference should be embraced and enjoyed as a new experience not one that offends or scares… brandishing a fire arm because someone cut you off on the highway, now that is some scary stuff; BREAK UP WITH THEM IF THEY DO THAT!
But today’s long winded speech isn’t about kids, ex’s, cultural questions, no today is about DISTANCE…and that is a real bitch to have that obstacle in place. Somewhere in this blog bog of words I believe I wrote something about keeping it all working with three thousand miles between two people, and it is not a small task, in fact your entire single, solitary alone life changes more than someone moving in with you and the family. Time needs to be adjusted, ways of staying connected both socially and intimately need to be explored. Mony and I make time for one another on Cam, on the phone and find ways’ to stay connected… so here are some suggestions, which really aren’t new, that may help you remain connected to your beloved.
Sleep with the cams on. That’s right, dial up Skype or Google Talk and turn on those cams, put them in a place the other person likes so they are looking from the view that best pleases them. Fall asleep together or if in different time zones, fall asleep at different times, but always keep that camera on you.
Set a time to speak every day, regardless of whether or not you only spoke fifteen minutes early, make that time every day no matter what, even if you know your partner is out or at an appointment, leave a message (something I need to start doing more often) but call at the appointed time, both of you call and if by chance one of you isn’t there at least the message is left behind.
Don’t settle on computers to keep you connected. Use phone, use email and use snail mail, (again something I need to do more often).
Little gifts, you don’t need to express your love in large high gifts that are going to cost ridiculous amounts of money to ship, you can simply make a call and have flowers sent from the local florist, go to the Hallmark store and pick out a card just to say I love you, there is a multitude of little ways to tell your significant other you love them without the shipping costs (especially overseas LDRs). There are little cards that contain prayers which your significant other.
Talk, be honest with eachother, don’t hide the “I MISS YOU’s” behind a stiff upper lip, sure it hurts both of you to hear it, to be reminded that you’re apart, but say it. I realized the other day that Mony needed to hear me tell her so that she didn’t feel like I didn’t care, and initially I didn’t get that, but after being all positive and stiff upper lipped and trying to keep her positive, all she needed to know was why I was being so positive about our being apart and I had to tell her because I missed her… that’s all she needed to know.
Find something other than games or movies to do together, such as start a small business together, design a gift for someone’s upcoming birthday together, watch porn together or go to video church together, but do something that the two of you don’t commonly do… together.
Always tell the other you love them, thank them for their time on cam or the phone with you… this is important, everyone wants to feel they’ve done right by the other person especially when they give up something to be with the other person.
Masturbate together, yes, having some fantasies about what you guys would do together in the bedroom and enjoying one another’s sexual company is far better than being alone and making up a fantasy in your head. Releasing that tension also keeps temptations at bay, keeps frustrations to a minimum and increases patience. Now if you went “That’s disgusting” to this suggestion, then you really need to take a minute and think…1) You’ve had sex with your partner before, and 2) You’ve masturbated on your own before. If you really trust one another there isn’t going to be any criticism or judgment here… try to maintain some of that sexuality over the cams and phone. And don’t always use the cam or phone exclusively, and don’t always hide from your partner on camera… dress up once in a while.
Cook together, this is something new for me and Mony, we’re going to try to co-ordinate a meal together and cook at the same time the same meal… this means we need to plan the grocery list together and plan the meal, move the cameras to the kitchen and try and treat it like we’re in the same space working together. For me cooking is fun, I enjoy it… for Mony it’s something new beyond the basic meals, so it will be a new experience for her and a new thing for both of us to do.
The hardest part is when we argue, yes this perfect couple has it’s shares of arguments and the one thing her and I have still not completely mastered is “LISTENING” and “HEARING” one another when we do argue… So this is a chance for me to try again to learn to listen… instead of seeing the phone and cam and distance as an obstacle, I need to use it as a tool to help me to listen better. There were moments early in our reconnection when I walked away from the cam so I could not see her facial expressions; rolling of the eye, frustration, exhasperations, and it helped me to react a bit less. Also, something else I need to start doing again is take advantage of the mute button, not for her but for me. For some strange reason I keep my mouth shut when I physically mute the phone or mic, I know, it’s weird but it seems to work. When you’re apart this is an opportunity (one I need to remind myself of often) to work on those listening skills… why? Because you’re not in the same space, you can mute yourself or turn up the volume with out yelling, there are ways to take advantage of the disadvantage of the distance.
Distance is only one major obstacle in a relationship, all the rest is the same, but the rest is pretty much in any relationship whether it be children, social cultures, upbringing, religion… distance just is just one more obstacle to overcome. If you got the love for your significant other, you got the chops to overcome problems, you’ve got the fortitude, patience and your partner is a true partner, then you’ll overcome the distance… if it takes you a year or two or a month or two, you’ll do it and come out the other end better people for it.
Thanks for reading