Dealing with Long Distance Relationships #LDR

Relationships can be tough  enough with out additional issues, obstacles and drama; face it, when  you live only  minutes from your  lover or are living with them there are those moments when you just  wish ‘shit didn’t  happen’, but  add to  things  like children from previous marriages, ex’s, long distance, and  even social  and cultural  differences and you  do have your  work cut out for you.  Now,  when I  say cultural  I  don’t just mean religion or ethnicity, I’m talking about environment… just to clear that up.   Environment?  Since  you asked, environment meaning where you live and  quite possible where you  were raised, for example; The demeanor and behavior of people who  were born  and raised in the Tri-State area here in  the Eastern U.S. go  about things, see things, believe things and do  things quite differently from those born and raised  in the ranch lands of Montana.  Even those differences  for some people could take the polish off their lover… which  it shouldn’t but for some it does, behavior that  is deemed ‘the norm’ in NYC may seem  callous and cold for someone from rural  America (or another country for that matter), the  fact is that this difference should be embraced and enjoyed as a new  experience not one that offends or scares… brandishing a fire arm  because someone cut you off on  the highway, now that is some scary stuff; BREAK  UP WITH THEM  IF THEY DO THAT!

But today’s long winded speech  isn’t about kids, ex’s, cultural questions, no today is about DISTANCE…and that is a real bitch to  have that obstacle in place.   Somewhere in this  blog bog of words I believe I wrote something about keeping it all  working with three thousand miles  between two people, and it is not a small task,  in fact your entire single, solitary alone life changes more than someone moving  in  with you and the  family.  Time needs to be adjusted, ways of staying connected both socially and intimately need to be explored.  Mony  and I  make time for one another on Cam, on the  phone and find ways’ to stay  connected… so here are some  suggestions,  which really aren’t new, that may help you remain connected to your beloved.

Sleep with  the cams on.  That’s right, dial up Skype or Google Talk and turn  on  those cams, put them in a place the other person likes so  they are looking from the  view that best pleases them.  Fall asleep together or if in different time zones, fall  asleep at different times, but always keep that  camera on you.

Set a  time to speak every day, regardless of whether or not you only spoke fifteen minutes  early, make  that time every  day no matter what, even  if you know your partner is out or at an appointment, leave a message (something  I need to start doing more often) but call at the appointed time, both of you call and if by chance one  of you isn’t there at least the message is left behind.

Don’t settle on computers to keep you connected.  Use phone, use email and use snail mail, (again something I need to  do more often).

Little gifts, you don’t need  to express your love in large high gifts that are going  to cost ridiculous amounts of money to ship, you can simply make a call and have  flowers sent from the local florist,  go to  the Hallmark store and pick out a  card just  to say I love you, there is a multitude of little ways to tell your significant other  you  love them without the shipping costs (especially  overseas LDRs).  There are little  cards  that contain prayers which your significant other.

Talk, be honest with eachother,  don’t hide the  “I MISS YOU’s” behind a stiff upper  lip, sure it hurts both  of you to hear it, to be reminded that you’re apart, but say it.  I realized the other day that Mony needed to hear me tell  her so  that she didn’t feel  like I didn’t care, and initially I didn’t get that, but after being all positive and stiff upper  lipped and  trying to  keep  her  positive, all she  needed to know was why I was being so  positive about our  being apart and I had to tell  her because I missed her… that’s all  she needed to  know.

Find something other than games or movies to do together, such as  start a   small business together,  design  a gift for someone’s upcoming birthday together, watch porn together or go  to video  church together,  but do  something that the two  of you don’t commonly  do… together.

Always tell the other you love them,  thank them for their time on cam  or the phone with you… this is  important, everyone wants to feel  they’ve done right by the  other person especially when they give up something to  be with the other person.

Masturbate together,  yes, having  some fantasies about what you guys would do together in  the bedroom  and enjoying one another’s sexual company is far  better than  being alone and making  up a fantasy  in your  head.  Releasing that tension  also keeps temptations at bay, keeps  frustrations to a minimum and increases patience.  Now if you went “That’s disgusting” to  this suggestion,  then you  really need to take a  minute and think…1) You’ve had sex with your partner before, and 2) You’ve masturbated on  your own before.  If you really trust one another there isn’t going to  be any criticism or judgment here… try to maintain  some of that sexuality over the cams and phone.  And  don’t always use the cam or phone  exclusively, and don’t always hide  from your partner on camera… dress up once  in a while.

Cook together, this is something new for  me and Mony, we’re going to  try to  co-ordinate  a meal together  and cook at the same time the same meal… this means we need to  plan  the grocery list together and plan the meal, move the cameras to  the  kitchen  and try  and treat it like we’re in the same space working together.  For me cooking is fun, I enjoy it… for Mony it’s something new beyond the  basic meals, so  it will be a  new experience for her and a new thing for  both  of us  to do.

The hardest part is when we argue, yes this perfect couple  has it’s shares of  arguments and the one thing her and  I have still not completely mastered is  “LISTENING” and  “HEARING” one another when we do argue… So this is a chance for me to try again to learn to listen… instead of seeing the phone and cam and distance as an  obstacle, I need to  use it as a tool to help me to  listen better.   There were moments early  in our reconnection when  I  walked away from  the cam so I  could  not see her facial expressions; rolling of the eye, frustration,  exhasperations,  and  it helped me to  react a bit  less.  Also,  something else I  need to start doing again is take advantage  of  the mute button, not for her but for me.  For some strange reason I keep my mouth shut when I physically mute the  phone or mic, I know, it’s weird but it seems to work.  When you’re apart this is  an opportunity (one I need to remind myself of often)  to work on those listening  skills… why?  Because you’re not in the same space,  you can mute yourself or turn up the  volume  with out yelling, there  are ways to take advantage of  the  disadvantage of the distance.

Distance is only  one major obstacle in  a relationship,  all the  rest is the same, but the rest is pretty much in any relationship whether it be children,  social cultures,  upbringing, religion… distance just is just one more obstacle to overcome.  If you got the love  for your significant other, you  got the chops to  overcome  problems, you’ve got the fortitude, patience  and your partner is a true partner, then you’ll overcome the distance… if it takes you a  year or two  or a month  or  two, you’ll do it and come out the other end better people for it.

Thanks for reading

E. Vincent

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About E. Vincent

Artist, Entrepreneur. Designer, Painter, Muralist, Illustrator, Writer. Business Analyst and Developer, Photography Caddy, Father, Lover, Fighter, Friend. INDESTRUCTIBLE, UNSTOPPABLE, INSEPARABLE, A Child of Destiny. Lover of Rembrandt, Da Vinci, Degas, Monet, Varga, Huerta, Royo, Adams, Swan, Lee, Warhol, Clarke, Bradbury, Serling and many other masters of the creative universe View all posts by E. Vincent

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