She Inspires Me

Back when I was a kid, I had this fire inside me, when  I wanted to achieve something  nothing stopped me, there wasn’t a thing anyone could do to deter me from  my course, and when my  mother met her  supposed dream boat, that changed.  I didn’t lose  the fire,  I  lost the direction, my world was turned upside down by physical abuse and molestation,  by his children and my mother turning a blind eye to what was happening with  me (at least that’s the way I saw it).  But my determination and resolve never went away, it just was refocused to escaping the hell I was living.

Once I escaped, I was resolved to  become a comic book artist, a movie poster artist,  an illustrator, a painter, I wanted to use my talents,  but that resolve was overshadowed by the voice of reason, and the woman who I perceived as my mother figure, Grandma, set me on the  course of a ‘real job’… “You’ll be a starving artist” she said, and those words rung in my ears for years… but my resolve and determination didn’t waiver, they were just refocused.

I was now determined to make it the financial  markets, real estate,  commercial finance, business finance, but without  a college education, and no High School  Diploma, where was I going to go to obtain such success?  How was I going to do it?  Truth is I  started where any  self respecting financier would  start,  I lent money to degenerates and wayward people who were desperate for a quick buck… yes, I was loan  sharking, which caught the eye of some very interesting people,  but that part of the story  I’ll omit by choice.  Fast forward a couple of years and I caught the eye of another  more  legitimate character which  started me working in the field of small  business finance.

From  that moment on, despite all the problems I faced in my marriage,  I  was determined to achieve success both in the field of real estate finance and in  the field of entrepreneurship, so much so that I did both, and added art back into my life.  I had partners in a comic book  and hobby shop, we owned three.  I opened a small  printing company  which  unfortunately  I lost due to a bad lease deal I made, I  continued in real estate finance as well and made attempts at selling myself as a free lance  painter.  I was determined.

At some point,  my tumotulous marriage infected my partnership in the hobby shops and I closed  my store and was kicked from the partnership, and some where along the line the support for my art wained to a point of disdain as my supposed spouse reassured me I wasn’t good enough and to stick with the real estate business.  Ultimately I did and for several years I worked diligently to reach my goals, which I did.

It was at that time that the world came  crumbling down,  the economy collapsed,  my then business partner decided he didn’t want to remain sober any longer and I began the death throws of a divorce process that would  take several years to finalize, and it was ugly.  Somewhere in all this my resolve and determination was refocused, but by this time I  also believed I wasn’t good enough for anything anymore… somewhere along the line  I believed all the bullshit I was fed and ended up becoming a former shell of who I  was and  wanted to be.

I lost everything, my art career was in the  toilet, my finance career was all  but on life support, and my direction was lost… I was what I deemed an “Afterbirth” of who I really was.  Mind you,  I was forever becoming more jaded as the years went on, I wouldn’t call it  bitter but I was certainly beyond realist and knee deep  in pessimism.  My  determination and resolve was to  get custody  of my children, nothing else mattered at this point and my desperation to  keep my businesses (both art and finance) were merely distractions from my only  goal… Win at all costs.  And that  I did, I  won  custody and it cost me everything.

It wasn’t until a year and a half ago that something gave, something snapped in me… I was resolved to find Mony and at the  very least tell her I  loved her all my life and never could replace her,  ask for her forgiveness for  breaking her heart and… well,  if there was something that could happen  between us, great, but I created no expectation simply because I didn’t know what to expect.  And I demanded I  find her, I tried so hard to find her, and on  the last moment when I  was finally going to call it quites,  I found her!  That was the beginning of the inspiration that she would become and the path that would bring me back to that youthful determination and resolve I once had… that fire that said,  Never Gonna Stop Me.

Mantras I always believed that had turned merely to words, I once believed again,  every day brought me closer to  the me that was buried deep inside.  I started to believe  my words again, words that became mantras, mantras that became doctrine and doctrines that  were law… my law.  I  finally felt indestructible again, and as time went on, I started to believe nothing was going to stop me, and with more time passing, I always win didn’t seem like a hollow statement anymore.  Mony helped me find the me I was supposed to be from so long ago,  that fire driven, hungry person that doesn’t take failure as an end but only a step in the right direction.  That kid who wasn’t going  to let an obstacle stand in his way, he’d go over it, around it, under it or straight through it… She helped me find me again, and after her stay here or more than three months, I know that I am once again the me I  was supposed to be, she inspires me and it is that inspiration of youth and excitement that some people lose and other’s hold onto… I am no longer  the afterbirth  of who I was.

In fact there is a cliche’ that is often said “if  I can go back to then with  what I know now….”  (you fill in the blank), well, I feel that way, and   I feel as if I can go back  with what I  know now,  making me smarter, making my chances of success greater and knowing now as an  adult that I can do  whatever  I  want how I want means I can reach for all those goals  and dreams I had then without  concern or hesitation,  without fear and with the  power to know the success I achieve will actually be easier to attain because the fire and hunger in  my belly and the knowledge of 20 years will make it so.

She inspires me,  because I am afraid that without having her  in my life, without spending the last year and a half with her, Mony, I probably wouldn’t  have  found it again, and even if she were to say that isn’t true, I know me and the  path I was on better  than anyone else and Mony deserves the credit for reawaken the  hunger inside me.  I knew something was  missing these last few years,  she found it.  She  inspires me.

Thanks for reading.

E. Vincent

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About E. Vincent

Artist, Entrepreneur. Designer, Painter, Muralist, Illustrator, Writer. Business Analyst and Developer, Photography Caddy, Father, Lover, Fighter, Friend. INDESTRUCTIBLE, UNSTOPPABLE, INSEPARABLE, A Child of Destiny. Lover of Rembrandt, Da Vinci, Degas, Monet, Varga, Huerta, Royo, Adams, Swan, Lee, Warhol, Clarke, Bradbury, Serling and many other masters of the creative universe View all posts by E. Vincent

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