I can’t help but wonder how relationships truly work, much like having children, there is no instruction manual. Sure you can count on the experience of generations before you, behavioral studies, text book cases and all kinds of expertise, but no matter the repetitive behaviors of humans… no two people are alike. We may all agree that there is no need to over react, or no need to be hyper sensitive or no need to be aggressive, but this doesn’t change the fact that I am not Harry, Harry is not Bill, Bill isn’t Bob and so on, sure the basics count like listening and empathy but these basics are model of understanding and behavior… face it, we are shaped and modeled by the experiences we have through out life. Our experiences determine our understanding, our languages and meanings behind words and actions, and this baggage is not often easy to shed.
It’s never personal, our reactions to things, sometimes it’s merely that… a reaction, it is a reaction based on years of unmodified behaviors and it may not be the right reaction, but it isn’t personal. This much I’ve come to learn over the months with Mony, I don’t mean to react directly towards her as if she is the enemy, but if I do react in a habitually negative way, well it certainly feels personal to her though it isn’t… it’s just a crappy reaction, generally unnecessary.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is (and I’m not justifying bad behaviors) we bring to relationships our experiences and our reactions to experiences, some good, some bad, but those reactions need to be kept in check and less knee jerk and more thought out, especially when reacting to another bad habit or behavior… Mony isn’t my ex, nor any other woman for that matter, she isn’t my kid, my business partner, a neighbour, enemy or some random ‘so called friend’… she is someone I am going to spend the rest of my life with (at least that’s the plan) and we both need to work on our reactions… which are sometimes nothing but bad habitual behaviors that have gone unchecked. Those are the actions that make things worse, and it’s those actions that need to be modified in order to move past the problems.
Sometimes we need to pause and validate our feelings when we feel them, before reacting to them… sometimes we need to shut up and just listen and forget about ourselves, but all the time we need to remember that our loved ones, our partners, our bestest friends in the whole wide world… that person we share our most intimate secrets with is not part of the demons that shaped and molded us… they are their own people and even if their bad behaviors remind us of some other person’s bad behaviors, we need to pause and remind ourselves they are not anyone else.
Thanks for reading