Personal Language

Empathy is something I lack,  I have little empathy for people and it isn’t because I’m a ruthless prick,  it’s because  of the way I’ve been raised through the school of life, it is because I use a different set of tools in  my thought processes, it is because of a  whole  host of reasons but not because I’m  mean or evil.  It has a lot to  do with the dogma that dictates my life and actions, but it doesn’t  mean I don’t care.

We all have our own language we speak, in words, in actions and deeds, in body language and gifts, we all have our own way of caring and loving that isn’t always the language  spoken by our  partners, and if that  language isn’t spoken by our  partners then there is a communication breakdown and our partners don’t read our messages.  Empathy in  my  case is not a large part of my language, not  because I don’t care, but because it simply isn’t a  big piece of the way I think.  Meanings behind words are  not the same either…one might say crap in reference to things of no value to them  and the  other may perceive the word crap as truly junk… one word two meanings depending on the parties, so it stands to reason that if I lack a large degree of empathy  in my decision making process that this could be misread as me not caring.

Our unspoken languages are one of those things that can get us in trouble,  for example, me not considering how Mony may feel if I choose to  do something that I  perceive is in our best interest, may  be considered as her not having value to me.  When  in  my mind I am doing  what I believe is right in keeping drama from our door step.   And if she doesn’t  perceive my  actions the way I do, then I might respond to  her lack of appreciation as a true lack  of appreciation… see how this works?  She’s not wrong for a lack of appreciating that I am trying  to keep drama away, and  I am  not wrong in trying to  keep drama away, but neither of us is in fact actually thinking about the other’s feelings…empathy… belief… dogma… language.

The end result is hurt, and  at  some point someone  has to speak up  and use words that both can understand… “Oh…I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how important it was for you, I didn’t realize how much  it hurt you, that  wasn’t  my intention.”   It’s funny how the old  cliches stick…”The path to  hell is paved with good intention” means that regardless of your good deeds if they are received by the other person in  such a  way that  it hurts their feelings, your intentions meant nothing, the end result is the meaning.  And when  we set out to do  something we  believe is good, do we really think that our action for good is going to  have a negative impact as we plan our  strategy?  No  one sits there  and thinks that their protecting a family  is actually harming a family… I know that when I set out to  help my  kids, it was pointed out that my actions protecting  them may not be doing  them justice, and when that thought was put in  place, it made me realize that there was some truth to it… but  really, did I ever think my language was sending  the wrong message or causing a negative reaction in the very people  I was actually protecting.

Sometimes it matters, sometimes it doesn’t… I guess it depends on the people.   Some people are  grateful even if they  didn’t exactly do a happy dance, some people don’t speak  the language at all  and don’t give a shit if your  actions were noble… it makes me  wonder how many times things could be avoided if we spoke one another’s languages, validated our feelings,  trusted our partners, listened to  them, I  wonder how many  moments we have of clarity where all these things are happening but we forget to  keep it going.  You can’t move forward without  resolutions, and sometimes it means there  is conflict, language barriers…  Relationships  are complicated sometimes, even  though they shouldn’t be.

I read in the Secret: [paraphrased] “When you stop believing your beliefs, you’ll see the  truth”  That’s what it comes down to…stop believing what you think  you know and start seeing the truth… maybe then we can learn the language we speak to one another.

Thanks

E. Vincent

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About E. Vincent

Artist, Entrepreneur. Designer, Painter, Muralist, Illustrator, Writer. Business Analyst and Developer, Photography Caddy, Father, Lover, Fighter, Friend. INDESTRUCTIBLE, UNSTOPPABLE, INSEPARABLE, A Child of Destiny. Lover of Rembrandt, Da Vinci, Degas, Monet, Varga, Huerta, Royo, Adams, Swan, Lee, Warhol, Clarke, Bradbury, Serling and many other masters of the creative universe View all posts by E. Vincent

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