I can say without hesitation that I truly have never had a healthy relationship… I can admit this because where I am now with Mony in our relationship is no where near where I’ve ever been in any relationship. But allow me to define what I see as a relationship; Any social interaction with someone of the same or opposite sex, that emotions, thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. is shared whether romantic, familial, social or professional, on a regular basis or over an period of time. For the purpose of this blog and in reference to a romantic relationship I will narrow my meaning to romance.
In this relationship I have found that I can trust Mony implicitly, things aren’t thrown in my face, things are forgiven, things are admitted, things are discussed, and there is an unmitigated openness unlike anything I’ve ever known… and the fact is I have grown more and more open with her as the months have passed, she to has grown more open. However, and I’m sorry to say put a ‘but’ in there, one thing that this incredible relationship has done is to fortify my belief in human perception and understanding. Mony and I aren’t a story book romance that ends with us riding off into the sunset on a white steed to our magic kingdom (although I’m sure we’ll get there), we’re like anyone else and what is said between us and how we understand and perceive these words and deeds is all our own individual reception and reactions. I’ve learned that the path to hell is truly a road paved with good intention because the intention is not always received because the outcome is perceived and/or understood differently than it was meant to be. I’ll keep the example simple… In my mind, using the word ‘FINE’ to describe how I feel, or how her hair is, or how my day is… does not mean the same thing in her mind as it does mine. FINE is a word to Mony that conveys the idea that something isn’t good, something is not right, and in my mind FINE is just that…FINE. Yes we use the word FINE on contexts when things are not really fine (it’s a lie) but that doesn’t change the core meaning of FINE, however in her mind the core meaning doesn’t mean a thing…it is the common social definition and practice of “LYING” using the word FINE, that she adheres to. This can result in a reaction to my honest definition of her hair being FINE that I may not like, or that may put her back in front of the mirror to redo her hair. See, the point is the social and personal definitions often override the actual definition…or one could say, our INTENTION is a social and personal definition that may not be well received by the receiver of said action, therefore the good intention may be received as a negative action due to the other person’s understanding of the action.
This goes on and on in the world and it tends to be one of these things that is often never addressed, no one stops to validate their own personal feelings and reactions to pause long enough and ask the giver of said intention ‘what exactly they meant by that’, but instead hang on their own personal reaction and perception and proceed to move forward with the negative response… And often times these little personal hurts stew and fester or blow up into something.
The point is we need to pause and really validate our reactions before we react, I’m notorius for reacting instead of thinking first when it comes to relationships, however in the relationship with Mony, I try to remember to validate my feelings to determine if I really feel a certain way or if I’m just being a little bitch, sometimes my social and personal perceptions aren’t the actual intentions and instead of reacting I need to pause and validate if it’s at all what I think it is. I believe you get the point, we need to stop reacting to actions that may not have been intended to hurt or harm and really determine if what we feel is real or are we maybe misunderstanding what happened. I know I work at this now more than I ever did and I find that when I remember to validate how I feel I can move past the immediate problem
When you’re ready to jump down the throat of someone who told you your hair was “Fine”, pause… and ask “Does it look good?” make them clarify so you get a real understanding of what “FINE” means. Start small and work your way up to the bigger things, eventually you’ll find that there are tons of arguments that can be avoided if people just asked more questions and stopped misunderstanding. Don’t forget to pause and validate your own internal reactions and feelings…maybe you’ll find that some shit is just to petty to put energy into.