So I haven’t written anything in a while because I’ve been a bit busy, I just finished the final draft of a fiction novel, started the second book in the planned trilogy; I’ve been drawing and toying around with some new art ideas; trying to get my company back on a track that can be profitable in these lean times, and of course playing full time dad (actually playing both roles in the parenting framework)…but the one thing that has kept me busy most is the fact that every free moment I have, and every little thing I can put aside, and everything that doesn’t have to be more important than Mony, I am taking with her…like right now…I am writing this and it is paining me to write it…I don’t want to take a minute to be away from her to tap out a blog about her… HELL!!! If I didn’t have to work I wouldn’t…I’d spend every spare minute with her. Sounds a bit obsessive? Yes, it does, that is if you don’t understand what it feels like to be so damn in love!
So, today’s blog isn’t about what I am or am not doing…today’s blog is about misunderstandings.
Two misunderstandings have occurred between Mony and I in the last few weeks that could have been avoided, had we UNDERSTOOD…and we realized that pretty quick, and that’s the point I need to make. I look at these two misunderstandings and I compare them to several of the arguments I’ve had in life with people I’ve been in a relationship with and people I’ve worked with and you know how many of the arguments could have been avoided or diffused pretty quickly had one of us accepted that they misunderstood the other? It makes me wonder how many fights you readers have had over a misunderstood intention, action or words that could have been avoided.
I misunderstood Mony’s actions and when it was made clear to me of the intent, I was able to step back and apologize for my reaction. Mony misunderstood my actions and when she realized that it was a misunderstanding she was able to apologize for her reaction…that is LISTENING…that is part of COMMUNICATION!!!. I’ve said this before, two parts to every relationship; Communication and Sex, where one falters the other follows. Everything in a relationship can be broken down to those two simple things. Had I not HEARD Mony, and stuck to my own thoughts about her actions, we would have argued and argued and argued and it would have been one, long, drawn out circle, but I did HEAR her and LISTENING is part of COMMUNICATING!!! See how that got brought back to communication?
Misunderstandings begin with intentions, and not all intentions are meant to make you feel bad…the saying is “The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions”…what this saying ultimately means is that it isn’t the intention that matters but how it is received and reacted to that matters and in the end it doesn’t matter if your intentions were good…you’re fucked if someone is hurt by your intentions…unintentionally…and that means you MISUNDERSTOOD the intention. Sure you might apologize for hurting that person’s feelings, but if that person realizes hey misunderstood you, then it is very possible to avoid a conflict…why? Because you took a minute to HEAR their explanation of their intention…guess what HEARING is part of? COMMUNICATION…see how I did that, I did it again!!! BAM!
I have had this push and pull thing with Mony over the last year and a half about intentions…I’ve said and done things that hurt her feelings, with the best intentions in mind, and it frustrated the shit out of me that my good intentions (on occasion) were met with a negative response… My whole resistance to apologizing for hurting her feelings was because I felt that if I my intentions were just that I should not be faulted for the way she chose to react…
She taught me that I wasn’t apologizing for what I did or didn’t do or the meaning behind it, but I was apologizing because I could understand how she felt…and I understood (eventually – and not always…hey, I’m human and a professional asshole…so sue me!), but I was still fighting to not be vilified for trying to act in a good and just way…so the frustration didn’t subside after the apology, but somewhere along the way, Mony heard me and listened to the INTENTION and stepped back a minute and said, “I’m sorry for misunderstanding”…and it made it easier for me to apologize to her…guess what? There was very little in drawn out argument, in fact it resulted in quick forgiveness, understanding and solutions. WHY? Because we communicated, we LISTENED, SPOKE, HEARD, and AVOIDED BLAMING, POINTING FINGERS and TRYING TO GE T PAST DEAFNESS…how? Because when you’re putting someone on the DEFENSE, you are making them DEAF to you….
I”m done babbling, just some food for thought, enjoy your weekend, and thanks for reading.