Is supposed to feel like. Here’s exactly what I feel;
Waking up in the morning next to Mony is secure feeling, fulfilling, complete, my day starts off right. When we are apart I don’t sleep quite as well, discontented is the word that comes to mind at the moment, I don’t feel like sleep is very refreshing. In fact I only appreciate the sleep so tomorrow can come faster, much like the feeling you have as a child when you have no concept of time…”If I go to sleep tomorrow will get here faster.” When I wake to see here there, as I fumble across the room for the alarm, I look over at her and feel like…whew, I woke up, it’s real.
One might think that after being together for 16 months, this feeling might change, that euphoria may go away, that knot in the stomach to see her might no longer be there or the butterflies might have stopped dancing, this isn’t the case, in fact when I went to work yesterday, we went into NY together, and I left her to take care of her own business while I took off for meetings. Some of you might say…’So What?’ So let me explain… In all relationships I’ve ever had I never cared if the adult person I was with went away on their own, they’re adults and they will be fine…in fact I was callous enough to think, whatever happens they’ll figure it out, I got work to do. But with Mony, it isn’t like that, I’m her protector even if she could kick more ass than me, I’m her lover and her confidant, I am her best friend and there to take a bullet for her if it came to that…how can I let my baby go off in the big city on her own without my protection…that hasn’t faded in 16 months, and when I was done with my day I couldn’t wait to get to her again.
Okay, I know some of you are thinking, “Man, Yer Obsessed!” I guess you could say in some way I am, it is a healthy obsession but not the kind that would drive me to do stupid things. There is a difference, for example…when you are madly in love with someone you don’t tell them what a piece of shit they are for not wanting to be with you, you don’t force them to like what you like, you don’t isolate them from their friends, you don’t physically attack them when they are trying to break up with you… A healthy obsession is more of the joy of being with that person and being proud to be seen with them, wanting to teach and learn, wanting to listen and be heard as well as speak and be spoken to, sharing experiences and not wanting to miss a moment with them…Remember the movie/book by Nicholas Sparks, “The Notebook”…that is a healthy obsession, that is what I feel that true love.
And this is what if feels like, no matter the weather, no matter the day, no matter the mood, her hand in mine feels perfect all the time. No matter the fight, no matter the debate, no matter the subject, even if mad or insulted, stopping to think and listen, if for no other reason than to hear her voice. What it feels like is the cool ocean water on your feet for the first time on a 90 degree summer day, it feels like the warmth of a hot bowl of soup after shoveling 12 inches of snow on the coldest day in winter. It is a magic that you truly feel from your head to your toes and every minute of each day means something even if the only meaning you get out of it is the security of knowing she is there.
I don’t want to compare the kid’s mother to Mony, I try to avoid it as often as possible, and in reality I don’t want to compare Mony to any other woman I dated, simply because there is no comparison, but if I had to compare my actions, feelings and responses with Mony vs. these other women, I would have to say, I have never given love like this to anyone, I can assure you and if I gave you e very woman’s name and number…they would all agree, “E. is an asshole”…no joke. They might say “he’s talented” or “he’s handsome” or “he’s a womanizer” or “he’s cold” or “he’s a all other kinds of something”, but they would all agree that I never treated them a quarter of the way I do Mony. They couldn’t come up with a why, but they could tell you that I’m an asshole because of how I have always been. Mony on the other hand would say otherwise, in fact she might tell you how well I treated her in our youth and I was still that gentleman today, I could tell you and swear on the souls of my children, I NEVER TREATED ANYONE LIKE HER.
So this is what love feels like, it feels as intense as it did when I found her again, it feels even more intense than 22 years ago and after more than a year, it feels like it is growing and evolving into a love that can’t be matched, like we’re the only one’s in the world that have it…yes, we’re the perfect little couple you can’t stand because we’re sooooo perfect. But that perfection is really not so perfect what’s perfect is that we love eachother and make sure that we work out our problems, learn from one another and grow…and more than anything else we don’t let life over power our love, we let love guide us through life.
So, if you can understand what I just explained, and even if you haven’t felt that with your lover for a while, stop for a minute, forget about life, time, kids, church, job, schedules, bills, and all the things in the world, look over at them and see how they make you feel…look at them as that person you met so many “?” ago and remember that feeling. Forget about their bad habits or their arguments, forget about the things you don’t like…and just remember what made you love them….from there the things you don’t like will become quirks that can be silly and you can laugh at…and you might just find that your love is not gone, just buried under a pile of life…let love and the feelings you enjoy with your lover guide you through life. I relearned that in the last year, I knew it 22 years ago when I was a stupid kid,…I’m glad I relearned it with Mony. Go relearn it, you also knew it at one time in life before.