Well, it’s been about 4 weeks or so since I last blogged here about life and love with Mony, in part that’s because I have so much going on and need to sort my shit out, but primarily because for the last 3 weeks, I’ve been at home with Mony. Not home here on the east coast, but out west in British Columbia at home with Mony. I went to visit her this time, which is rather difficult for me to do on a regular basis, however I figured it out and off I went…Home to her.
But now I’m back, and I’ve come back to home here in the eastern tristate area, getting back to work, and trying to get back into a groove, but I am finding it difficult to get back there happily, and while Mony makes every effort to get to see me as much as possible here, when as the year has progressed it has clearly become more difficult to get into a Mony-less routine. How did I do it before her? How did things change and I adapted so readily, but now life is just so hard to organize when we’re apart?
I don’t know, nor do I claim to know, but today I realized that I have to finally execute on all the talk. What talk? The talk of moving forward and preparing for the day when Mony and I can be together, and with that plan, be together in both places, here and back in BC. It took almost a year for me to figure out why I was having a tougher time getting back into a groove when Mony and I parted and today I realized it’s because I’ve been trying to do the things I did for the last 20 years…as if I was still without her. Yes, even the my groove when in unholy matrimony, was still mine… it wasn’t shared, my groove is what I did. With Mony though, it is the first time in any relationship that I feel I have a real partner, a real supporter, a real friend, a real fan, and all those other real things that have nothing to do with romance (although enhanced greatly by it). It’s that real thing that I was not taking into account when I kept trying to get back into my daily groove.
It hit me today for whatever reason, when I told Mony about my child troubles with my oldest spawn and she heard me, she listened and she said, “Oh Baby, I’m sorry”. Now, she’s said that to me a dozen times when I have had a bad day, but for whatever reason, maybe the subject, this time it made me realize that all this time I was appreciating her support and partnership, but not moving in a direction with that partnership. I would get up and work, do art, take care of kids, talk to her and feel like I had a real peer, but what I was doing was not necessarily moving in a way that was as if I had a partner. Sure we have plans, art plans, travel plan, how are we going to do this and that, and we’ve acted as partners in so many ways…but in my daily routine of work, I haven’t been moving myself and my business as if I have had a partner.
Okay, so you can’t understand what I’m trying to say…of course it’s my business, not hers, but it is the business that funds the things I need, and it isn’t about I need anymore, it isn’t just about what my kids need or my business partner needs, its about what we need…what do Mony and I need to get to this place or that. I’ve been waking up every day and not moving my business as if I was WE…and that is where the problem lay. It isn’t an I anymore, every deal I work on is fueling WE and even if there is a we when it comes to my business partner, my half is mine which ultimately is what feeds me, but now, it’s Mony and Me, WE. I’m not talking about making a dollar and giving her 50 cents or now having to make $2…I’m talking about the desire to wake every morning and work and make work better.
It’s hard for you to follow, I know, it’s hard for me to explain…but the groove is what’s most important. I’ve found my groove with artwork with Mony and me, but the art doesn’t feed me 100% right now, so I need to find that groove for my business so that I can function more efficently; that groove is that I wake every day now to work not because my client’s demand it, but because I want to be able to take care of Mony and never have her to want for anything. Maybe that makes more sense than all the babble I just wrote. Tomorrow’s a new day, and I’m grateful for today and appreciate tomorrow.
Enuff babbling for now…