I Always Knew This

I learned early on that the most dangerous emotion you could have is anger, I learned this because at some point in my youth, I realized that anger fueled many of my actions, and I got into a good amount of bad situations  because of anger.  But the problem was I didn’t get the why and I didn’t understand the mechanics of the emotion…I did know that I was angry at the things that happened in my life and that anger did influence certain choices.  Sure there were other emotions that charged other choices, but anger was the one that seemed to drive me in many directions.   What I didn’t understand was the why these choices were turning out the way they did.

I chose to create a dogma to live by, history’s great teachers, were my guides and I devoured their teachings, reading the material over and over again, putting it into practice, but still…the teachings were fueled by anger, and still despite successes, I was not exactly winning the hearts of the people…but at some point I didn’t really care, as I noted in previous blogs, I was heading down a pretty dark road.  But hey, whatever… But still, I didn’t quiet get certain things…

It wasn’t until I was in my mid 30s that I learned how anger was the worst emotion of all because it clouds judgment, and anger makes for poor reaction, and poor reaction tends to have poor consequences…but it was hard to put that into practice after so many years of self designed dogma…but eventually I did find a way to curb all my emotions into a place where I could step outside of the box and be unbiased about a situation…and for a time it worked out well…I learned that I did not have to get angry at a situation and react and what happened with my choices was amazing…they were better.  I finally got hold of all reaction by the time I was in the divorce, and I became quite the cold, calculated, usury son of a bitch all my friends became used to…

Then, the flood gates opened…and when the emotions came flooding in, when Mony was suddenly part of my life and all these emotions overtook me, uncontrollably, anger came with them…and for the last year, I have been trying to avoid reacting emotionally when Mony and I have a conflict.  I kept telling Mony that we needed to check our reaction  before we reacted, but it was like facing all the problems for the first time in life, and all the emotions were swirling around, and reaction was just happening…but I kept saying, “WE CAN’T REACT”…that knee jerk emotion that happens from years of life and reaction going unchecked.  Funny thing is I had mastered reaction through the years so I shouldn’t have trouble figuring this shit out.  But with all the other emotions going on, anger was part of the reaction pool…and I only knew how to shut all emotional reaction off as opposed to tuning down anger.

I went as far as to write down in places “do not react”, “no reactions”, “validate your feelings” before you react…and slowly the reaction to things has become better, not  as good as I would like, but better…and I started to press Mony for the same courtesy with reaction, and our arguments have certainly changed their pattern to something more reasonable and more like we want them to be.  But it wasn’t until the other day, when I started reading a book I read many years ago, that I was reminded about anger.  The book is about power, but I didn’t start reading it again because I wanted to be manipulative or political, I picked up the book and started reading it again because I wanted to look at it with a new set of eyes…I was curious as to how many people I deal with in work were using the techniques found in the power manual…I didn’t get far in the book…3 pages, before I was reminded where I learned about anger.  “Anger is the worst emotion of all emotions, it clouds judgment and perspective”.

Now, for whatever reason, this hit me like a ton of bricks…I Always Knew This…why didn’t I remember this when all these emotions flooded me, when I lost all control of my emotional state…how the hell could I have forgotten a huge piece of my personal dogma?  Anger does cloud judgment, and it is a reaction that is unnecessary, I finally remember, and now I need to put it in practice…

This may not be a blog about love and romance, but think about it…if you are allowing anger to fuel a reaction, maybe you need to take a breath and slow down, walk away and come back to the argument…Anger is a natural human reaction, but it does not allow you to think clearly and resolve the conflict…ask yourself:  If a police officer was angry and just fired off his gun randomly at every person that angered him or her…1) how many people would be unnecessarily shot, and 2) how many shots would be accurate enough to avoid innocent by standards?

I’m still going to probably need some work on controlling reactions so that Mony and I can resolve conflict when it comes, but maybe it’s just a matter of replacing anger at that moment, with reason…and not reasoning what angers you, but reasoning with yourself and getting that anger away from you in one way or another…you may choose to reason by going biking, shooting hoops, meditating, hitting the heavy back…but get rid of that anger before you open your mouth.  I’m going to keep working at it, I have the skills because I’ve done it already, I need to apply these skills with the love of my life in order to have an even better relationship…there is nothing in the book of love that says great can’t be greater.

Breathe….

Thanks, that’s the random thought of the day…
E

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About E. Vincent

Artist, Entrepreneur. Designer, Painter, Muralist, Illustrator, Writer. Business Analyst and Developer, Photography Caddy, Father, Lover, Fighter, Friend. INDESTRUCTIBLE, UNSTOPPABLE, INSEPARABLE, A Child of Destiny. Lover of Rembrandt, Da Vinci, Degas, Monet, Varga, Huerta, Royo, Adams, Swan, Lee, Warhol, Clarke, Bradbury, Serling and many other masters of the creative universe View all posts by E. Vincent

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