Now I’m not going to share the down and dirty details of our sex life, as much as some of you might like to know, it isn’t happening, but what I can say is when it comes to a good relationship, sex is key! I’ve written the importance of both sex and communication, how they work in connection with one another and all other parts of a relationship blossom or fall apart if either if these two are broken…but for this blog post, I’m going to focus a bit more on the sex.
You can have all the romance in the world, doesn’t matter how many dollars you toss around, doesn’t matter how many gifts you make with your own two hands, doesn’t matter how much time you sit together watching romantic comedies…doesn’t matter how many chores you do, it just doesn’t matter. You can say every day, I love you, a million different ways, and you can have this most incredible set of communication skills, but if the either of you are not sharing your desires, wants, fantasies, taboos and turn ons with one another…and at least discussing the possibilities of trying new things, then you’re significant other may just find that one missing piece in some less significant other.
For you newbie in love folks, trust me…doesn’t matter how much you are loving, loved or are special….if you’re not communicating and acting, to some degree, in the sack, then all the love in the world will be put up against you because you’re failing to act. How you might ask … here’s what it might look like:
Margie: “Bill, I love you, you are the love of my life and I have never felt so special, so important and so loved.”
Bill: “Aww, that’s sweet Margie, I love you too, sweetie.”
Margie: “You love me a lot don’t you?”
Bill: “Yes, baby, you know I do….”
Blah Blah Blah love traded back and forth, a little kissy poo poo, some more love blah blah and…
Margie: “You know we have some great sex, Bill. I have some great orgasms with you.’
Bill: “Aww, Golly Gee Willigers Marg, you’re embarrassing me.”
Marge: “You truly love me and want to make me happy, don’t you Bill, my happiness seems to mean so much to you.”
Bill: “Yes, I would do anything to make you happy”
Margie: “Would you use this vibrator on me?”
Bill: “Holy Cow, Marg, what the hell is that? You can’t bring that in the bedroom, that’s messed up!”
And as all things go, you can see Bill was a bit uptight about a vibrator, what’s going to happen to Bill if he feels threatened by a dildo, or maybe it isn’t a threat, but some deep seated taboo he was taught as a child to make him feel ashamed about sex and the pleasures gained from various toys in bed. Marge is going to end up using that vibrator with out Bill, and maybe in Bill’s mind it is a threat to his manhood…so, eventually Bill’s lack of openmindedness and willingness to talk about it will send Marge on her journey of sexual exploration without Bill. And while that may be the end of it, for some it isn’t…for some the journey isn’t ending in the realm of self exploration… It doesn’t end there because they don’t love their partner, in fact it is why the hurt and resentment grows, because it cannot be understood if there is so much love and so much joy with eachother, why can’t the partner just continue that love and trust in it to move past the hang ups.
See, I am opposed to certain things in the bedroom at this point, not because I lack any faith in our relationship, but because I have certain feelings about them, but despite my opposition, I have offered up alternatives that I believe we can both accept. The what is irrelevant, the action is important…we communicated our desires, and feelings…and came to a possible solution to both fulfill our wants and needs, thereby fulfilling our desire to make the other happy. But I didn’t get to that place because I forced myself, I got to those places because I truly was able to feel safe and trust the woman I love dearly, and I was not at all afraid to tell her, “I TRUST YOU”…there’s nothing wrong with telling your partner you trust them, because it communicates to them you do love them but they can’t break that trust and use the toys against you…like in an argument calling a man out and saying “I get more fucking pleasure from my dildo, you ass hole”…that’s a low blow, besides showing a greater communication problem.
See whether you’re into simple erotic massage and find BDSM disgusting, or you’re a BDSMer and find Tantric Sex bizarre, whether you’re a light kinkster or a full on porn star, vanilla 3 positions or kama sutra, you need to be openminded, communicate and be secure enough in your relationship to over come your personal insecurities, create compromises, and talk about it. There is all sorts of information and advice on the web where you can research ways to talk, ways to introduce, gather opinions and experiences…guys, if you have the time to memorize the stats of the NFL star quarterbacks, you bet your ass you have the time to learn all the parts of the vagina and figure out how to make it hum like your 69 Fast Back… And women…if you think giving head is gross…think about the fact that the last hotdog you ate probably was filled with chicken anus and pig penis, and realize that your man’s junk is the same junk you want to feel make you orgasm…there’s nothing wrong with focusing on the pleasure instead of the things you’re not liking.
Find the pleasure in all the sex, trust your partner if you love them so the love never comes into question and resentment forms, find compromise, and explore one another….I’m no sex guru, but I can assure that communication and a little effort have given Mony and me a good sex life, and I only say good at this point, so that I leave room for us to do even more…but it all starts with communication and shedding fears and hang ups.