Mony asked me once if I really loved her…this was when we first found one another again. Let’s be real here, what are the chances that someone, after more than 20 years, is going to knock on your life and say “I have never stopped loving you” and actually mean it? There are a whole slew of reasons I can think of if someone showed up at my door, that I would completely disbelieve them, I would never in a million years buy into the notion that someone could want me after more than 2 decades…but then again, here I am living it…but I’m not receiving the knock, I’m the one who knocked.
Mony asked me, do you really love me? Are you stuck on some childhood fantasy? Do you really believe you love me, have been in love with me, are in love with me? She asked me more than once and more than once I said, Yes, I do believe it. In fact it is my truth, the one I lived with, the one that shaped and molded many things in my life. But how on Earth can someone else believe such things, for fuck’s sake, this is just fairy tale stuff…but here’s the kicker, Mony had a fairy tale…she believed that one day her true love would come, that he had to be out there, that he was her prince, her knight, her one and only that he would love her for her and for no other reason. And that was her truth.
I knew that I loved her because she was the bar by which I gauged everything and everyone else, which I’m sure had an effect on my dating life, married life and post married dating life…oh who the fuck am I kidding, it certainly did! I do nothing the same way with Mony, I don’t fight with Mony, I argue to a resolution. I listen (as best I can), I try to improve, understand and be empathetic (which is like pulling teeth for me, I have little or no empathy for anyone). But I am willing to do what I need to do, want to do, hard or easy, to have a good relationship with Mony. Still, how can one know when someone else truly loves them…well, first, I know the difference between the ‘love’ I have for my dearest friends, the ‘love’ I have for the kids, the ‘love’ that was supposed to be the basis of marriage, the ‘love’ for things….and the LOVE that always gnawed at me for 2 decades in reference to Mony. To further validate, I know what I feel now for her is right, as right as when I wake up and know I’m supposed to breathe, so right that I have never felt a love like this except for when I first met Mony all those years before, and…AAANNNDDD…because I don’t love her less any new day, after an argument, after sleep, sex, movies, walks…every damn thing ends with me loving her more than when we started…every day my love is a little more than the day before.
And when you feel it…when you can’t explain where it comes from, when it is far beyond what you feel in your heart, when every damn atom in your body burns with it…when your soul can scream it as loud as your knee, when your mind cannot fathom it, can’t grasp from where it comes, when it consumes you and burns through you, around you like a white hot flame, and just seems to keep pouring into you from some unknown source in the universe…when you feel all that, and yet still feel even more…that is a truest of love. Yes, I have loved, but I’ve only loved like this once before, and it was Mony that was once before…I love her more than those first true love days, I love her more than the bar she set for my feelings, and I love her more than a year ago…in fact, I love her more than when I woke this morning and I’ll love her more…because like my Aunt said…when she married her first love…you just fucking know!
And that’s my truth