Music Moves Me – A Partial Soundtrack of My Life

I spent a lot of years falling deeper and deeper into a really dark place, my dark side (insert mechanical breathing sound here) was pretty damn consuming, and the events taking place in my life only made me feel as if allowing the monster in me to consume me entirely.  I went from an optimistic person, to a harsh realist, but this took about 10 years to get to that place, however to move from realist to pessimist took only a couple of years.  From pessimist to bastard was even shorter, and there was a point where I accepted that it was easier to be a grade A, self centered, taking, uncaring, apathetic, prick…and truth is I was good at it.  I’d been slowly letting that dark side of me take over…almost sounds like a song.  Wait!  As Mony puts it, “That reminds me of a song”…

Monster by Skillet said it all about me…that is exactly how I felt.  See, music is not some fabricated fantasy by the song writers, much like any other artist they are inspired by either events in their lives, or the things they observe in the world, so when I find a song that grabs at my soul…that I feel like is actually speaking to me, speaking about me, how I feel and what I believe, that song becomes in some way mine, as if no one else’s…but mine, only for me…written for me…played for me.
A Monster is what I had become, and if there was anyone out there that knew me in that place, they would testify with as much venom and disdain for me as I probably handed them…I had become a dark, unhappy, faithless and hopeless person.  I said “I broke up with faith a long time ago, and her ugly sister hope, too.”

But music wasn’t just about my dark side…My personal theme song changed over the years, but one finally came around to match exactly what I had been saying since I was in my late teens…I truly believed that I was indestructible…not immortal and not invincible, but indestructible.  All my life I had been beaten or hurt or had people attempt to break me physically or mentally, or…I got myself into some seriously bad spots, whether physically, financially or mentally, and somehow I always seemed to come out of it…

And being indestructible didn’t make me immune from all the troubles I would face…Fact is, I got into a marriage for all the wrong reasons, and I knew it, but I was so hung up at some point on my integrity, I couldn’t end a marriage…then it turned into a bad marriage, then a worse marriage because of even dumber myths, sickness and everything in between…it finally ended in one very ugly, but very happy divorce.  During those years, yes years of divorce, I had several songs that I found spoke to me…The lyrics to this one said everything I ever wanted to say to not only the ex…but the ex business partner, the asshole step dad, the mentally incompetent mother, and everyone else that left a scar on me….

There were lots of songs, everything from Fatboy Slim to Evanesence, from Guns and Roses to Motley Crue…Even Emenem to Kanye…if it grabbed hold of me, it was about me…  But there was such a low point in my life, and believe me I was very content with being an indestructible, angry monster, that I could have killed every person that left there mark on me…yes, if it was the wild west, I would have been Jesse Effin James…but it isn’t and I wouldn’t be so evil…doesn’t mean I didn’t wish they would get hit by a bus…  I was so fucking angry at this point…I couldn’t get rid of them and I was to damn smart to off myself…I had moments when I was just driven insane…

I thought about Mony for years, and yes I mean years…shortly after my son was born, back in 1994, I was caught crying over Mony’s photos…so she was stuck in my soul forever, even though I tried to forget her, replace her, find love else where…and for whatever reason every time I heard this song…It reminded me of her.

Even with her in my life now, I get a knot in my stomach when I hear it start…funny thing is my youngest son loves this song and has been learning it as part of his set list..

So with the divorce over, and not finding the love I longed for, the regret of breaking Mony’s heart so many years ago, and never going back sooner because of my own childish fears, I found that I was becoming as much a “Mother Fucker” as a monster…

With all that had transpired for so many years, you think there was no good in my life…believe me there was, I just chose not to let it be the driving force in my life…I was getting very comfortable being the anti-hero, the villain, the monster, and last year I came to that place where I was going to just give in, but there was something, something in me said I needed to find Mony, one last search, one last look and if I couldn’t find her, then I would just succumb to being all the things that was bad in me…and I FOUND HER!!!  HOLY SHIT!!!!  There she was!!!  We connected…and she and I found one another…she found me somewhere locked away inside her, in a protective little box buried deep in a place no one could reach, a place she forgot about…and for all the years she searched, longed, wanted to find that Dark Knight to love her the way she wanted to be loved…the way we loved one another when we first fell in love…we were one another’s first true love…  She gave me a new piece to the soundtrack of my life…

And I heard the story of her life…and I gave her a new song that was added to the sound track of what would now be our lives…

And I found happiness…but I’m still not a fluffy, squishy, huggy bunny…as a matter of fact… You can’t imagine how much more her and I are as a couple…we’re not just indestructible, we’re unstoppable, and if you think you’re going to stop us…you better be ready, cause if you got the balls to fight! We’re Going Out Swingin!

Thanks

E.

All music is copyright their artists and owners and used through Google’s YOUTUBE embed feature.

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About E. Vincent

Artist, Entrepreneur. Designer, Painter, Muralist, Illustrator, Writer. Business Analyst and Developer, Photography Caddy, Father, Lover, Fighter, Friend. INDESTRUCTIBLE, UNSTOPPABLE, INSEPARABLE, A Child of Destiny. Lover of Rembrandt, Da Vinci, Degas, Monet, Varga, Huerta, Royo, Adams, Swan, Lee, Warhol, Clarke, Bradbury, Serling and many other masters of the creative universe View all posts by E. Vincent

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