Ruined?

Today I had a crushing blow…I faced a double edged sword of my own making.  See, I’m a man of my word, I do what I say and say what I mean (more often than not, circumstances often permitting), and that generally can get me in trouble or bring me a great deal of happiness, regardless of what it brings me, it keeps my integrity in tact.

When I found Mony again, I had to rethink a lot of my beliefs, a lot of things I stood my ground on.  I didn’t think these things through again because I wanted to kiss her ass, I rethought them because I knew that in a relationship there often has to be compromise, open mindedness and mutual understanding.  Somtimes one or both of the parties has to just relent and accept that maybe the other person is really not going to budge, they are that passionate.  And that’s okay too.  However, last night I said something out of anger, and truth is what I said, Mony is right to believe I would do…doesn’t mean I would do it because of the consequences, but she knows there was a time when it would be no skin off my teeth to beat the shit out of someone.  Well, basically I shot off my mouth, angry as I was, and Mony questioned me…I said yes, I was serious, and this sent her reeling back.  How could the man she knows now, be so vicious and dangerous of something like that (I’m purposefully not telling you what it is).  And this brought into question if I could do such things, why…because of that double edged sword…the one where I am a man of my word, a man of action…because that very integrity of following through, in the case of my comments and feelings, led Mony to believe that I would in fact do something illegal.

I get it…she does not want to live in a place where her future husband or husband could bring bad things upon her family, and I’m truly sorry that I instilled that fear in her.  She thinks I don’t understand, and I didn’t hear her, because I was offended by her reaction…but I guess it doesn’t matter how I feel…because at that moment, all that mattered was that I was a man of my word and she got scared that a life of dangerous tidings could be ahead if I did spring into action…why?  Because she had never heard me vent, spew, talk like that over the particular subject…because all my good intentions and actions over the last year spoke to the contrary.  Needless to say, I assured her every which way that even though I am capable of what I say I will do, with regard to last night’s convo…I would do nothing to jeopordize my future, it is a bright and prosperous future both emotionally and financially…I have everything I could want, and this includes her children…so I assured her I would bring no ill will to her family.  Call me selfish, but I’m not stupid, even if I completely disagreed with her, I’m not about to get myself in a whole world of hurt and ruin the wonderful things I have now.

But that really wasn’t the crushing blow…what was the crushing blow is that my word, all my good actions and directions over the last year, held no value… in fact because of them, I put myself in question to Mony, which created doubt.  Now I didn’t intentionally think my previous actions of the last year would give me a free pass to do something stupid (or say something off color), but I would at least expect that if I was loved unconditionally, that I would at least be allowed the respect and opportunity to be viewed in a positive light as opposed to the negative one I was viewed under.  So this lead me to feel like nothing I have said or done, whether conscious or unconsciously holds any value.  That the moment I make a mistake, I am held to that mistake…if only for the moment.  But that feeling didn’t really set itself in, until Mony asked me if what happened Ruined us.  And I asked her how can it ruin us, it was just an argument, we’ve had them and come out better for them…and she replied…well it happens, just that one thing can change everything…I asked her if she had faith in us, and she said “I think so”, I asked her if she felt it, felt we were okay, and she fence sat on it, replying in a not so sure manner.  The crushing part continued to grow… and really came when I suddenly realized that my actions of truth and honesty, integrity and honour were actually the very things that planted the seed of doubt, because my comment and attitude were way off colour…and Mony couldn’t see the positive in me.

So the crushing blow is this: While I was hurt by my own actions, both good and bad, because it sowed a seed of doubt where there was never doubt before…

and while I understand the why’s, even if I feel it should have never come to a the doubt

and while I can ask to be forgiven, for her feeling what she felt

and while I can see why my actions and the off colour comment sparked the doubt…

what crushed me is the fact that after the conflict, a conflict that was sparked by the seeds of doubt sowed in her heart… after the conflict, I gave no indication, no reason, no inkling that there was anything wrong further…no doubt, no anger, no distance, and I was asked if we’re ruined, and even after I said no, even after I said I didn’t feel that way, even after I said do you need reassurance here, there and everywhere…she was left with a limitation of faith in us, a seed of doubt…which Mony later apologized for her being weird because of last night, which I later pointed out the distance I felt from her, and she agreed that it was probably because of last night…so I am crushed for the first time in a year I am truly crushed…

Are we ruined…no…we’re not, we’re better than most couples, we try to get to the root of a problem and a solution, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel this way…

I decided to post this blog tonight because it is the reality of a relationship.  I write as much in the way of positive blogs for you so that you all have something to be inspired by, but tonight, today…today hurts a lot…and I know Mony reads this, and I know she might be pissed that I put our dirty laundry on the web for the world to see, but this is part of a relationship, and if we’re to share with people how to grow in their relationship, based on our own experiences, then tonight I need some fucking therapy and this is it…it serves the purpose of showing you that we are real just like you readers…and that’s important.  Why? because my integrity doesn’t allow for me to blow smoke up anyone’s ass, I am honest to a fault at times, and maybe tonight is one of those honest fault moments.

But here’s the positive thing about this blog post tonight…Mony and I should be able to work past it to the benefit of both of us, because if there are only a few constants in our relationship, they are: always taking the other person’s feelings into consideration, always sacraficing for one another, and always resloving a problem…

We’ll see what happens next….

Thanks
E. Vincent

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About E. Vincent

Artist, Entrepreneur. Designer, Painter, Muralist, Illustrator, Writer. Business Analyst and Developer, Photography Caddy, Father, Lover, Fighter, Friend. INDESTRUCTIBLE, UNSTOPPABLE, INSEPARABLE, A Child of Destiny. Lover of Rembrandt, Da Vinci, Degas, Monet, Varga, Huerta, Royo, Adams, Swan, Lee, Warhol, Clarke, Bradbury, Serling and many other masters of the creative universe View all posts by E. Vincent

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