Okay loyal readers, here’s the secret to the perfect relationship…and you’re going to think I’m full of shit when I tell you this, and you’re going to think because I don’t have a slew of letters behind my name that I have no idea what I’m talking about…Aaaaannnd, you’re going to think just because I’m not on a mountain somewhere in a robe, with a long white beard, that I’m not as wise as I could be…but if you just trust that my experiences in relationships are far more valuable than some shrink who just studied it while married to the same person for 35 years, then you’ll know in your heart that I am right when I say;
The secret to a perfect relationship is simply communication and sex.
You thought I was going to say LOVE didn’t you? Well, of course to have a good relationship you need to love someone, but lets face it…there are plenty of people who loved someone to no end and still loved them long after they parted…so while love is a powerful force of nature you can’t avoid, it isn’t the secret to a good relationship. You’re probably ready to leave the page, but just read this through. And for those of you who are shaking your head thinking “no way, E. there has to be understanding, compromise, compassion…and blah blah blah” and you would be right, however I am going to show you that when communication and/or sex fall apart, it won’t matter how much empathy, compromise or compassion…love, passion or understanding you have…you won’t have a happy relationship.
Before I found Mony, this was what I believed one hundred percent, and despite loving Mony with every fiber of my being, if we didn’t communicate with one another, we would not be together…regardless of how much we love one another. Mony once said to me that if I didn’t give her details or information, she had to fill in the blanks and if left to her own imagination and guessing, then the outcome might not always be the most positive outcome. Here’s how simple it is.
If you talk about feelings, listen to what the other person is saying and say what you need to say, tactfully and politely, then you are communicating. I am a private person, I don’t think that I need to tell Mony every little thing I’m going to do, and I don’t think she needs to get into dirty details about every little thing either, but I’m not talking about keeping your partner informed on what time you’re heading out to worship the great sun god…I’m talking about communicating feelings, thoughts, ideas, wants, needs and circumstances that effect both of you. Now you might say “Where does sex fit in?”…and that’s a great question.
Sex is the most private, intimate and secret free act two people can share together, and no two people are turned on by any one thing, like all the same things, or want the same things in bed…and because this is the most personal act between two people, it should be in this room, in this moment, in this space where someone can say to another “I like it when you pull my hair” without ridicule…it is here where you can practice your communication skills because it is in the sexual situation where you should be able to talk openly and freely without ridicule because you are both discussing something that makes you both happy. If you can’t say to your partner, “I like to be tickled”, or “I like oral sex”…then you won’t be able to communicate other needs.
A tell tale sign that your communication is not good is the reaction of the other as well as yourself. Sex aside, if you tell your partner you love bowling and your partner looks at you and seriously feels bowling is stupid, is not interested in trying, and is ridiculing you instead of at least supporting you, their not compromising or caring… imagine if you got dressed in something you thought was sexy and your partner told you to take it off because you looked like a two dollar hooker…how esteem shattering is that? You need to talk about your sexual likes and dislikes, you need to talk about feelings…all else will fall in line.
Look, you can have all the love and emotions associated with love but if you or your partner are shot down every time they communicate a desire, concern or situation with you, resentment will form, and when resentment forms, then the compassion becomes stressed, because by our very nature, we are recipricol creatures, we, at the very least, expect that if we respect someone we should be respected back, and this includes wants, dreams, desires, goals, concerns, situations, etc.
I can tell Mony what I want in bed, because I can share my most taboo desires without her being critical or ridiculing me, I can talk to her about anything else. And because I can talk to her about life, and all that comes with it, whether good or bad; and she is not critical there, then I can talk to her about sex. Because we communicate, we become closer, and because we are not shattering one another’s esteem, or because we are compromising and even sacrificing, we become appreciative and thankful, and in doing so there is no resentment formed. With no resentment, we grow closer, because we grow closer, we have more compassion, more compromise, more support and more love from one another.
You can argue with me all day about my theory, but I can always bring it down to simply listening and talking both in and out of the bedroom…here’s the summation: If you lose your communication at the kitchen table, you will lose it in the bedroom. If you are unhappy in the bedroom, you will be unhappy at the kitchen table. So, communicate, tell your partner you need their support, their love, need them to be open minded, and care about them…you want to talk to them and ask them to listen to you…it is in your best interest to even think about how you will say something, what you might say when your partner says something in particular, and it might be in your best interest to use sex as the door opener to communication…Ask your partner what they like, what’s the deepest, darkest fantasy. Don’t ridicule them, but think about how to fulfill them and then get to it…your intimate communication can bolster your personal communication…so use it.