Many of us are taught to accept the lives we’ve led, because we can’t change the past. We’re bombarded with cliche’s such as “Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk”, “You Can’t Change The Past, Only Learn From It”, “Don’t Make The Same Mistake Twice”….and so many other educational or supposedly comforting statements to let us know that “What’s Done Is Done.” While all may be true, while they all may have their place in our psyches, they are not the reassurances that mistakes weren’t made, they are not words of true comfort that can quell the gut wrenching feeling one might have when there are other, overwhelming feelings, that say without doubt… “This is how it should have been…”
I looked through old photos today, sharing some with Mony, and there was no greater gut twister than remembering some of the times in those photos when Mony should have been there. You might say, ‘phhhtttt, you didn’t know, there’s no way to know those moments would have existed.” You might go as far as to say…”If it was supposed to be that way, then it would have”…and truth is, those are logical statements, but love isn’t based on logic (at least not solely based on it). Love is based deep within your soul…for me, it’s screaming in every atom of my body as well…it screams to me that I made a dreadful mistake 22 years ago and things should have been different.
You might say to me “You have beautiful children”….I can reply I would have had beautiful children with Mony. You would say, “You’re who you are because of your experiences”… I can only retort with “I would be who I am with Mony and those experiences.” You would go as far as to say… “There’s no such thing as Destiny, or Fate”… And I would reply, Doesn’t matter, I was supposed to spend a lifetime with her…Destiny, Fate, Kismet, Karma….don’t need to be in the equation. So every plausible, logical statement you might make, can be easily answered with an answer that works for me.
Ask yourself…Does it really matter what or who plays a hand in the game of life? You’re life is your own…and it still hurts me deeply to know that I screwed up something so beautiful, all those years ago. And I know that there is no one to blame but me, and I know that regardless of the cliche’ or mantra… It sucks to have gone for all these years without my Mony. No, it isn’t just being in love, there is something that goes far deeper than an ache in the heart and a knot in the belly. It’s quantum physics… it’s a feeling in every molecule that make me up.
Yes it hurts to know that I should have spent a lifetime with her, but I am thankful I have this portion of my life to share with her.