When I met Mony back when we were just kids, I never expected to have her imprinted on my soul for the rest of my life…face it, at 18 who the hell really knows anything about love, relationships, and there’s just no way to predict the future. And frankly, I was in a really bad place at the time I met Mony…
When I was 6 the woman that was supposed to be my mother, met a guy who turned out to be a pedophile…you can guess what happened next, and for 6 years I was stripped of every piece of innocence I had, stripped of dignity I didn’t even know I had, and I got darker, harder, and resentful…hey, what kid being molested doesn’t, I’m not special or different than the huge percentage of cases that remain hidden, especially at that age when your head is filled with the pedophile’s lies…but I don’t need to tell you all the things they say…go look them up, they are no different than the slew of crap handed out by abusers. When I was 12 that abuse ended because I was old enough to end it, but by that time, the woman who should have been my protector had proven that I wasn’t that important…I think I was 11 and I came home from school one day, there was a letter left for the kid toucher, and it said that ‘she had taken the baby and gone to her mother’s’…that she was done…wait…the baby? What about your son mom? Well, you can imagine the impact that left on me…Now I knew for sure that I had no need for mom…and at that point I officially was on my own.
Anyway…years of physical abuse followed…ever been hit by a two by four walking in a door from school? How about just missing a screw driver thrown at your head…oh, and nothing beats getting beat up with a broom handle…But you get the picture…My home was hell, and the millions of people who go through the same shit in the world, they know all to well…so they get what I’m saying about growing up in a really bad head space.
Well years passed…And I was 17 when I was introduced to Mony. Now you might think that the whole love at first site thing is infatuation, fleeting, temporary…but I got news for you…the dumbass adults that tell you teens you have no clue about love, don’t listen to those bone heads…don’t go out and get married, but don’t let the adult clowns tell you that what you feel isn’t real…because I can assure you that what I felt for Mony was so real that it lasted with me through 22 years. Anyway, there is a point to this blog….
When I met her, I found peace, it wasn’t just this strange feeling I never felt before, this ‘FIRST LOVE’ it was peace, a sense that everything was going to be perfect from here on in, that all the world didn’t matter…She glowed, tunnel vision set in and she glowed!!! She glowed, I saw a girl glowing!!!…what followed next was the best 2 years of my life…I was so in love with her, and I was happy… Here’s how strong I felt…I looked my childhood assailant in the eye, a 6 foot 2 man, who had killed when he was in the military, who could have bench pressed me, and I got up on a milk crate and looked him dead in the eye, and told him that if I ever found out he did what he did to anyone else, I would kill him. There wasn’t a waiver in my voice, there wasn’t a flinch in my eye, there was just me and him, and in the lowest, most calm voice, I told him I would happily kill him.
I learned not to fear long before Mony, but there was something about her in my life that gave me this overwhelming sense that everything would be fine…it wasn’t what she said, it just was what I felt in my soul.
When I broke her heart, I did break my own…I wouldn’t realize it until I realized how much I wanted her again…and when I tried to reconnect with her a second time, something tore me from her arms, and like a fool I let it happen….but then there’s another story, and the beginning of nothing every being fine again. Maybe one day I’ll tell you readers that story, but for now… Life wasn’t fine after Mony, there was no sense ever again that things would be fine…No matter how much I tried, I could never actually look at a situation in life and say, ‘it’ll be fine’…I always had to figure out a solution to the problem before I could find ‘The Fine’ point.
Well here I am, and guess what? 22 years later she brings me the sense of everything going to be fine, I don’t need to find the solution first to get to the place of ‘Fine’…I know it will be fine, we’ll work it out, we’ll get to the fine, but it’s going to be fine…how we get there is now an adventure, but at the end of the adventure is always ‘Fine’.
Okay, that was the point of the blog…what the hell happened here, I swear I need to stop these tangents.