Mony and I had been having fight after fight for almost three weeks…it just kept going and even when we thought we resolved it, and would move past it, there was another fight. It became absurd, we were nit picking on things, going off on tangents, tiring of fighting…she voiced it. She finally had enough, this was not a place her and I wanted to be and quite frankly hadn’t been yet. In that fight space where there was a serious underlying issue that wasn’t letting you get through to one another. Even if we thought we did, something was still amiss.
So she had it…I had it, but thankfully, she voiced it. Truth is I was going to fucking pop soon, and my popping is just shutting down emotionally…I’m glad she popped and blew her cork, yelling that she had her fill of fighting…it was the bell, ‘ding ding’ round 5 had come to a close and both of us were pretty punched out, so to speak…if there was going to be a round six, there’s a good chance the blows would be low and it would have gone into street brawling. But I’m not here to try and predict the outcome of the fight, in fact, I’m writing because when Mony and I argue, we argue to find a solution, and the fights of the last few weeks were not multiple fights…it was one long continuous match that had breaks…because we never got to the underlying issue.
When she finally threw in the towel, said “No Mas”…there was silence. A stone cold silence that made it easy to hear the atoms of the wind coming to a complete halt, as it to, paused. We sat in silence for a minute, finally both accepting that we had not been resolving a damn thing, we had kept missing the “What” and through any efforts we had made to work on a “What” we were not hitting it.
So, the fight’s over, brawl is done, there is no one left standing…we’re at a spot where we have to fix this but what the fuck is the issue that is keeping us from moving forward and resolve this?
We stopped listening to one another, the bottom line is as much as we kept validating one another’s concerns, we weren’t hearing one another anymore. The thing about listening and hearing isn’t just saying yes, I hear you, yes I understand, yes you’re right, blah blah blah…you can yes your ass off but if you really aren’t hearing someone then you’re not really getting it. See, hearing and listening work along with action, like following through with a straight right after a couple of measuring jabs. If you’re not a follower of boxing, then you might not get this, so find someone who know about boxing and you can check the reference…otherwise follow through is the same as everything else…you listen, hear, act and commit…acting and committing are following through.
So, we had start listening to what we both felt, want and needed, then we had to listen, then we had to act on our validation of one another, and commit to doing it. People always have needs, and we can always put ourselves out there and say “I want”, “I need” to one another, but if the other person doesn’t hear you, listen and act, then your wants and needs are left unfulfilled, unheard, and you are not getting what keeps you mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. Relationships are all about give and take, it’s reciprocity…it doesn’t have to be like kind, but it’s about you wanting for you, and you wanting for your partner, it’s about being both selfish and selfless…about saying I need and your partner giving you what you need, but it’s also about putting aside your needs and wants and putting their needs first and giving it to them…it’s give and take, reciprocity, partnership…
Anyway, the real point of this blog is to say, that the fight doesn’t always end when you think it does…sometimes there is another core issue you are not touching on and resolving, and maybe it is that core issue that keeps you fighting…Mony and I aren’t perfect but we both agree that we have to have resolve, and we have to keep going until we find that resolve, then once we find the issue and come to a resolution, we need to act upon it, maintain it. In our case we stopped listening to one another, we stopped hearing one another and until we found that problem, we continued to fight. However once we pinpointed the problem, we discussed the ways to make it better and keep it going so that we could avoid the issue again.
No one is perfect, and it takes work to fix things, it’s always easier to break something than to put the pieces back to gether, but that may just make you appreciate what you have more…I don’t want Mony and I to break, and be broken, but I can say that th eway we fight and work together to fix the problems that arise, no matter how great or small, I appreciate the fight, the resolution and the results more because of the work it took…sounds crazy right? Well ask a boxer if they do what they do because they hate it.