So you read my gushing over Mony, and some of you think, ‘This is Bullshit’, some of you think; ‘How sweeeeeeet”, yet others can’t get past the first sentence let along think, at the end of the day…doesn’t matter, as long as I get my thoughts out, get my message out, and if this story or my experiences touches just one person and moves them to action, then I’ve done more than I expected. Guess that makes me crazy…you’re damn skippy it does! But I’m a little less crazy these days, than I was for the last two decades.
I was truly influenced…Mony shaped my tastes, flavours and ideas from the time I was that ‘to cool’ teen up until the day I found her again…(and she still does). Imagine if you will that you could pinpoint what made you think a certain way, do certain things, like certain stuff…imagine if you could find all the sources responsible for giving you a taste for something…doesn’t sound so bad right? You’re uncle Bill introduced you to fishing and you remember uncle Bill best for that, and are thankful. Auntie May showed you all about Opera, and now you have a love for it, an understanding and it sent you off into a world you would greatly miss if you lost it…or what about your big brother, who gave you your first Spider-man comic? See you do remember, maybe not everything but you can pull those key moments in your life out and be happy about them. See…for me, I went crazy…a lot of crazy, maybe even obsessed in a not so stalkerish way.
As I noted in another blog post, Mony brought a light to my life, a peace that I hadn’t known for more than 12 years, yep, my last memory of peace and innocence was when I was 5, the next memory I have at 6 was a world turned upside down and me being the victim of a pedophile…so I have selective memory…and by the time I was 17, I was a grade A bastard with issues and a dark perspective on the human race (which is something I found again years later)…but when I met Mony, my turmoil settled. I still had issues, which I realize today were the reason I broke up with Mony in our youth, but for those couple of years, I was at peace, had happiness and could not have been more sure of this young lady.
But then I did the whole “issue” thing, and screwed it all up…but not without first having been marked by the experience of her. And forever I was crazy…how crazy…I risked my life more than most people by seeing how far I could push fate…I rode my motorcycle down the GSP so fast that I barely saved my ass from the wobble… I put myself in neighbourhoods that most people avoid, and even stood ground at gunpoint, yes, I was the guy that brought a knife to a gunfight…I was indestructible, I thought, but more than willing to take the risks and let the universe have me if it wanted me…( Apparently it didn’t want me).
So I was crazy….and to make it more so, not one woman I dated, after Mony, had anything less than dark brown hair…preferrably black, was never taller than me, always had exotic features, dark eyes…something…something that reminded me of her…but what never happened was the feeling, the kindness, the heart, the happiness or the sense of peace. In fact when I married, I married for lust and appearance, and even on my wedding day, I knew it was a big mistake. But hey, integrity was challenged by my best man and I had to follow through, wow! We are so stupid when we’re in our 20s!
And even through my marriage, the adultery, the girlfriends, mythology, my crazy stayed in tact…even though kids slowed me down a bit, I was still taking risks…some were physical, but others were financial, yet some still were borderline legal…all in an effort to see how far I could push it til someone would come along and shoot me. The chaos, even after kids, in my soul, was consuming…I had no peace, no security, and emotions and love were just gone at some point…all I had was my kids to keep me grounded. And I kept on being crazy…long after the divorce and the real crazy person in my life was removed. Somehow, being crazy wasn’t so bad, I had an excuse to be an asshole…and the whole ass. I was so influenced by Mony, my music, my feelings, my ideas, my emotions, that I sometimes had to give pause and wonder where something came from. Eventually I accepted that I was hopelessly in love with her…all my talking to her in my head, at the moon, in my dreams…I was hopeless and more so as I grew older.
As I grew I came to realize just how much I was influenced, and without her in my life it ached more and more…but you know the story to this point…we’re found, we’re together again, and we’re happy…getting happier and trying to be something better than our experiences have left us.
I’m still crazy…but now I’m just a little less crazy, and instead of taking risks that could hurt me, my risks are now positive, influenced and decided upon with my partner, Mony….Oh, yes, I am still crazy, just a little less crazy…and crazy in that kind of good sort of way…the kind that would pit me against a dinosaur to protect her, the kind that would make me put aside my own perspective to support her’s….the kind of crazy that makes me want to be influenced more by her so I can know her better…and the kind of crazy that often starts off the sentence “Crazy in Love”.
This has been another mushy love post sponsored today by “CRAZY”.