When you love someone, you never want to see them hurt. I mean you never want to see them truly hurt, in any way…physically, mentally, emotionally, you don’t want to be the cause of that hurt and sometimes it’s hard when you might just have to be. You see, sometimes we have to say the hard things to people, the things they don’t want to hear, the things that might make them hurt for the greater good…like calling them out because of a bad choice and a bad behavior.
I made some choices in life with which I have had to live with, some so long ago that who would have thought the ever lasting effects would be felt years and years later, some more recently that had created an environment that makes things often difficult. I may not have liked to hear from Monyka that my choice may not have been the best, and my ego may have been bruised, but in the end after much thought and an effort to see it from her perspective, I can see where she would be right. Does it mean I am 100% wrong? No, the choices made may have been good at the time for whatever reason, they may have been completely off the mark, but because it hurt for a minute to hear it, I can now effectuate change that could quite possibly have a more positive impact and lasting effect.
I remember when I was 270 lbs, I was bursting out of my jackets, I was wearing size 38 pants, that if I sucked in I could button, I was wearing size 48 jackets…I avoided the extra large section at all costs and when people bought me gifts, I was given those ugly extra large sweaters because there was nothing relatively fashionable in the big man’s section…I have back problems…degenerative disc, and my doctor warned me that if I didn’t lose the weight, things would get worse…do you honestly think I wanted to hear that…Oh Heeeeeellllllllll No! In fact I ate and smoked and drank more…then my chiropractor called me Fat…I was so hurt, he just said I was fat, he called me fat that mother fucker…but I’m just big… And I walked away hurt. My feelings, my ego, my id was smacked with ugly truths I didn’t want to hear…and then the icing on the cake. It was sometime in 97, I got a polaroid under the Rockafeller Christmas tree with me and I friend…I was wearing this Grey London Fog trench coat…I looked at the picture and there I was me and my buddy, and the buttons on this coat were straining to remain shut. I was hurt, but there was the truth of my actions and choices…I got over my hurt…I had to, and years later it was the right choice, because the lasting effects were better than the effects of the choices I made back then.
When people care about you they don’t lie to you, they risk you’ll be mad, they risk you’ll feel hurt, and those that love you are genuinely sorry for your hurt, but not sorry they are trying to help you get something together. Monyka has made it a point to be my second set of eyes, even though on occasion she has said to me she was unsure of telling me…and I remind her that despite my reactions, tell me, because I need that second set of eyes. A good example is she has been trying to slow me down for a minute just to enjoy the air I breathe…and it has been a task that causes great frustration in me, but I have been trying, trying to take a minute to breathe, enjoy life, take a break so I can see my kids grow, see the smile on her face. I will never truly stop being an energizer bunny, but because she has pointed out that I am not truly benefiting anyone by always being on the move, she made me see a perspective of me that ultimately made sense…and even though it might seem like sometimes I’m taking away time from my career, or art, or family, just so I can get to relax, the truth is that I have come to a place where I realize that I am better because I take a minute to relax. I was hurt when she told me that my priorities were out of alignment, in fact it pissed me off…because I thought I was right, but after the anger and hurt had passed, I realized that my priorities were having a negative impact on me.
You see, when it hurts, we need to stop a minute and validate what we’re feeling, how we’re going to react, and whether or not the other person’s perspective is merely that second set of eyes we all need. Think about it, there are always two cops, always a pilot and co-pilot, a captain and co-captain, there are always spotters and snipers, thieves and lookouts…always two, always a pair, always a second set of eyes. And even if the captain is wrong, the captain gets past his/her ego and double checks the co-captain’s perspective. Why shouldn’t we behave like that in a relationship? You might be able to kick the doctor’s advice to the curb, get 10 more opinions, but at the end of the day, your spouse, your lover the person who is your true best friend…they are only looking out for you…so even if it hurts, it’s only a minute, only your ego…take a breath, listen, think about it, walk a mile in your parter’s shoes and see if maybe, just maybe that lover or yours, that co-pilot, may be right. The payoffs may be greater than you think…and it won’t hurt you to take positive action to effectuate positive change with long lasting positive effects…
Better to get mad because the c0-pilot called your choice out, then end up crash landed on the open ocean…