Below is the second message to Monyka, the day after I found her, after we IM’d for hours…
You asked me why I never let go, I really have no answer.
I’d like to believe that my heart belonged to you, but that would mean I had to believe in soulmates…to believe that for everyone there is someone, and I never described nor thought that way all these years, before or after you. I just never could let go…there are a lot of maybes…but no way to know.
What’s real, Monyka is that your name has been on my lips for a lifetime. I held you close, I buried you deep and I built walls around it…I made the choice to never let go, I don’t know why…I just did.
Maybe I believed that you were the only one for me…maybe what I felt for you was so woven in the very fabric of my being that it was just a part of me. I really don’t have an explanation, I have no idea how any person can hold on to an emotion, I of all people do not allow for such things. Maybe it is because I held you so close to my soul, that I could never let myself love someone as much…
I wondered as I went through life, if I was always looking for you in a woman…I know that I always internally compared what I felt for them to what was in my heart for you…and maybe that’s why I never gave in. Maybe the women in my life were able to see that they could never get me 100%…I just don’t know.
You ask a hard question that maybe only has a metaphysical answer, maybe the dead know more about it than me…maybe it’s something that comes from the otherside that connects us…maybe through the mystic veil of the unknown it is the thread that helps us find one another when we pass on, maybe it has been here a long time.
I just don’t know…
I do know that maybe I’m just being a childish person, living on a moment in my life that was the only good thing other than my children…I wish I knew, but I don’t.
I would be happy to believe this is the end of a journey for me…but it isn’t…if you go, I’ll still have a love for you that is unconditional and knows no bounds, if you stay I’ll still have feelings that I can’t hand to you, and if at some point and time life turns a corner that affords me the opportunity to be in your presence, I won’t be able to let go…maybe you are the only one…maybe we spend our whole lives looking for some happiness, but maybe that childish, fool hardy love is the truest of them all…I don’t know.
I’m not a romanticizer, I’m a realist, and for all intents and purposes this may be the last we speak… of which I’m prepared for.
I’ll sleep tonight, happy I told you that I carried a love for you for as long as I’ve lived, and that in some of my worst times I was able to talk to you because I have you here in my heart…and you saved me. Knowing you were out there sometimes gave me reason to get up, sometimes it was my children, sometimes it was me, but there were those sometimes it was you. Thank you for that Monyka and as much as you can’t believe it…
I’m proud of you, I admire you, and I love you.
I still don’t know how anyone could hold on to someone for a lifetime, the only logical reason in my mind is not so logical to many… Destiny, Soulmates, Kismet… something that isn’t tangible to us, but somehow always endures as a reason for so much… Mony and I are Destiny’s Children.